Quinn and Bert were smoking a joint on the front steps of John Feldmann's house when Jeph walked out to join them and said, "Dean Butterworth thinks you are a flaming homosexual."

Bert exhaled toward the sky. "I don't know where he'd get that idea," he said as he passed the joint to Quinn.

"Probably because you kissed him and offered to suck his dick," Quinn said. He took a hit off the joint and passed it back.

Bert nodded. "I can see how that might be misinterpreted."

*

Dean wasn't new to the music business, not by a long shot. He'd toured, written, and recorded with Ben Harper, Morrisey, and Good Charlotte. So he wasn't nervous at all to record with The Used. Sure, he was older than all the guys in the band, and they had a reputation for being wild, but Dean knew John Feldmann from way back, and Dean was enough of a professional that he knew he could work with anyone.

John picked him up from the airport and brought him to his house, where the three members of The Used were sitting in his living room. Jeph was watching television and eating cereal, while Bert and Quinn were crouched around the coffee table doing shots of vodka and laughing. Dean checked his watch. It was eleven in the morning.

Jeph and Quinn both stood up and shook his hand when they were introduced. Bert, however, launched himself at Dean, practically knocking him over. He grabbed Dean by the hair, pulled his face down, and kissed him on the lips, sloopy, wet, and with tongue. He smelled like vodka and weed. When he finally pulled away he reached around, smacked Dean on the ass, said, "If you ever need your dick sucked, let me know, Deano," and then he returned to his drinking game.

Dean turned to John. "So everything I've heard about this band is true?"

"No," John said. "Their manager keeps most of Bert's antics out of the press, so it's actually worse than you've heard."

Dean just smiled and nodded. He was a professional. If he couldn't handle one five foot-tall, drunk, stoned, gay vocalist who looked like homeless Kurt Cobain, then he had no business in the music industry.

*

Over the next few days, Dean lay down drum parts for the first few songs. He got to know Jeph, who was a really nice guy, and Quinn, who was very talented, though he always had this small smile like he was going to talk shit about you as soon as you left the room. The guys were all supportive of each other, watching as each band member recorded their tracks, so Dean hung out even when his work was done, in keeping with the spirit of comraderie.

As much as he was initially put-off by Bert, Dean had to admit that his vocals were powerful and his lyrics were strong. He said as much to Quinn one day as they were watching Jeph in the booth, and Quinn left the room abruptly, leaving Dean wondering what he'd said wrong. Quinn returned a few minutes later with a bundle of sloppy papers, and handed them to Dean, saying, "Here's the lyrics."

"Cool, thanks." Dean flipped through them, struggling to make out the words among all the scribbles and doodles. Quinn sat on the floor and watched Jeph play the same bassline ten times in a row.

Bert walked into the room with an unlit cigarette in his mouth. "If anyone can locate my shoes, I will give you..." He dug in his pocket and took out a few coins. "Thirteen cents."

Quinn looked up at him. "You gave them to Steve last night in exchange for a beer."

"That makes sense." Bert sat on the floor next to Quinn and handed him the thirteen cents. "So what's up, my bitches?"

"I gave Dean your lyrics to read," Quinn said, nodding over at Dean.

"These are great," Dean said.

Bert smiled widely. "Thanks. Which one are you on now?"

"Pretty Handsome Awkward," Dean said. He frowned at the page. "Is this song about a guy?" He flipped back one page. "And this one..." He looked up at Bert. "Are all these songs about the same guy?"

Bert shook his head. "Two are about Quinn."

"One is about me," Quinn corrected. "One is about that time you took shrooms and started calling that cactus 'Quinn' and you rubbed your dick all over it and your dick got covered in scratches and we had to wrap it in guaze and Alison took pictures and sent them to everyone in Panic at the Disco."

"Right," Bert said.

"You're writing an entire album about guys?" Dean asked.

Bert tossed his unlit cigarette in the air and tried to catch it in his mouth. It hit him in the eye. "Ow, fuck. No, one song is about my girlfriend."

"You have a girlfriend? And your girlfriend doesn't mind that you kiss guys?"

Bert smiled. "That's why she's my girlfriend."

Dean considered this for a moment. "I thought you were gay."

"In this band," Quinn explained, "sexuality is kind of...fluid."

Bert laughed. "Yeah, and my fluids were all over your face last night."

Quinn laughed too, and they leaned together for a few minutes, chuckling into each other's shoulders. Suddenly Bert stood up, walked to the trash can on the other side of the room, dry heaved, and then spit into it.

"I'm puking so much today," Bert said as he put the trash can back. "I think I'm pregnant."

"It's not mine, you whore," Quinn said flatly.

Bert fell to the floor and put his head in Quinn's lap. "But Quinn!" he whined. "I swallowed your white stuff and it made a baby in my tummy. That's how babies are made." He patted his stomach. "That's why I'm so fat."

Quinn leaned down and kissed Bert's nose. "You're so fat because you stopped doing coke."

"I had to," Bert said, wide-eyed. "For our baby."

Dean stood up. "I have to go..." He walked out the door.

*

One night they were recording late. Dean had just finished up his drum parts and was thinking about heading back to the hotel when he walked in the living room and found Bert and Quinn making out on the couch. Bert had one leg around Quinn's waist, and one knee between his legs, and Quinn had both his hands up Bert's shirt. They were kissing slowly and steadily, while rocking their bodies against each other. Dean took a step back and tripped over a book on the floor. Quinn and Bert stopped kissing and looked over at him.

"Hey, Deano," Bert said. He patted the couch cushion behind him. "Jump in; there's plenty of room."

Dean took another step backwards and ran into the wall. "Um...thanks but...I'm straight."

Bert tilted his head at him curiously. "How do you know you're straight unless you've had some dick in your ass?"

"What?" Dean said. "That doesn't even make sense."

Quinn leaned his head back and looked at Dean upside down. "Or does it make so much sense that it just completely blew your mind?"

"I'm going back to my hotel now," Dean said. "Enjoy your..." He waved his hand and hurried out of the house, hearing Bert and Quinn giggling as he went.

*

One day Dean got to John's house early, expecting to beat The Used there so he'd have time to warm up. But as soon as he walked in the door Jeph rushed into the entranceway, out of breath, and said, "Thank God you're here. Can you hold the camera?"

"The camera?" Dean followed Jeph as he hurried upstairs and into one of the guest bedrooms, terrified that he was about to walk in on the filming of a porn.

Instead, he found Bert lying spread-eagled on the bed, with Quinn kneeling beside him and holding his hand. Bert's shirt was hitched up, and his hands were on his small pot belly.

Jeph hit a button on the camera and handed it to Dean. "Action," Jeph said.

Bert let out a high-pitched wail. "Oh my God my fucking vagina hurts!"

"Just keep breathing," Quinn assured him.

Jeph knelt at the edge of the bed with his hands between Bert's legs. "Push! Push!"

Bert let out another loud scream, and Dean winced.

"I see the head!" Jeph called out. "And the arm! And another arm! And another arm!" He looked up at Bert. "You're giving birth to an alien octopus!"

"Oh fuck!" Bert shouted.

Quinn hurried off camera and picked up a bucket of red liquid. He tossed it over Bert, getting some on Jeph and Dean in the process.

"Your vagina's bleeding everywhere!" Quinn shouted.

Jeph removed a plush pink octopus from between Bert's legs and threw it onto his face. Bert gripped the stuffed animal and struggled, as if he couldn't remove it.

"What evil has my uterus brought down upon us!" Bert screamed. "Oh God help us all!"

"And cut," Jeph said. He took the camera from Dean. "I think that's a wrap."

Quinn wiped his fake-bloodstained hands on his pants. "YouTube'll flag that one."

"I'll just send it to Bob," Jeph said. "He'll appreciate it."

"What..." Dean began. They all turned to face him. "What the bloody hell are you people on?"

They just stared at him blankly.

Dean huffed out a breath and stormed out of the room.

"What's wrong with him?" he heard Jeph ask as he left.

"Dunno," Bert replied. "He knew I was pregnant."

*

On the last day of recording, Dean sat with Jeph and John in the studio and they listened to some of the finished tracks. Dean thought they'd come out great. He was proud to be a part of the album, and he told Jeph this.

"I'm glad," Jeph said with a smile. "And I hope the Bert and Quinn show wasn't too much for you."

"Nah," Dean said. "Quinn's a bit frightening, in a quiet way, and Bert's frightening in a loud way, and a bit flaming, but they're really talented. I'm glad I had this opportunity."

"They should hear the tracks too," Jeph said. "I'll be right back." He walked out of the room, returning a few minutes later with Quinn.

Bert, however, ran past them and into the studio, where he switched on a mic and made a painfully loud squealing noise.

"Attention Dean Butterworth," Bert said, his voice echoing through the studio. "I fucked your mom. Her vagina tasted like blueberries and sour cream. You are going to have a brother that looks like me. We are naming him Arthur Fucknugget McCracken."

Quinn fell to his knees and started laughing so hard it looked like he was crying.

"I hope this clears up any confusion about my sexuality," Bert continued. "P.S. and in conclusion, I am going to eat your penis."

Bert ran into the room with the rest of them and launched himself head first against Dean's crotch. Dean stumbled and grabbed onto the wall for support.

"Om nom nom," Bert said as he mouthed the front of Dean's pants.

On the floor, Quinn was laying on his side and laughing so hard he started coughing.

"Get off me you freak!" Dean pushed Bert's shoulders back, but Bert was stronger than he looked, and he latched onto Dean's legs tightly.

Suddenly Bert pulled his head back and looked over at John. "Feldy, you have any potato chips?"

Quinn pushed himself off the floor, trying to catch his breath. "Yeah," he said through his gasping. "We need some snacks."

"In the top kitchen cabinet," John said, and Bert and Quinn dashed out of the room.

"Ill go make sure they don't eat your candles," Jeph said. "Again." He followed them toward the kitchen.

John looked at Dean. "So am I ever going to get you to do studio work for me again?"

"Of course," Dean said as he wiped some of Bert's saliva off the croch of his pants. "Just not with these people."

*

Bert, Quinn, and Jeph had been staying at Bert's house, and they hung out for about a week after recording was done. One day at breakfast, which took place around 2:00pm, Quinn informed them that his friend Dan was coming to visit that day.

"We know Dan," Jeph said. "He's cool."

"I don't know Dan," Bert said as he stuck his finger in his bowl of cereal and fished out some of his own hair.

"You've met him a hundred times," Jeph said.

Bert shrugged. "Maybe I was drunk a hundred times," he said with his mouth full of cereal.

Jeph and Quinn just shrugged, since that was very likely.

When Dan got there, Jeph was in the kitchen reading while Quinn and Bert played video games. Dan knocked on the door, and Quinn yelled, "It's open!"

"Quinn, you cocksucking bitch!" Dan yelled as he entered and threw his bag on the floor.

"Dan!" Quinn jumped off the couch and pulled him into a hug.

Bert stood on the couch and was trying to see if he remembered this guy when Dan ran up to him, grabbed him by the legs, and lifted him over his shoulder into a fireman's carry.

"Bert, you cum-guzzling whore!" Dan called out. "What the fuck have you been doing?" He smacked Bert's ass hard, and Bert erupted into giggles.

Dan carried Bert into the kitchen, where Jeph was leaning into the refrigerator to get some milk for his tea.

"Jepha!" Dan came up behind him and humped his ass so hard that Jeph's head hit the top of the refrigerator. "Jepha, baby, your ass is as tight as an adolescent goat's."

"I love him!" Bert yelled from where he hung upside down along Dan's back. "Quinn! Quinn! Can we keep him?"