Gerard was playing hard to get. No matter what Bert said, Gerard just blew off his advances, laughing and slapping Bert on the shoulder, like it was all a big joke between friends, like Bert wasn't incredibly, tragically horny and suffering like no man had suffered before.

The first day they met, sitting across a table at a pizza place, Bert had folded his hands in front of him, leaned over the table, and said, "Blow me in the bathroom."

Gerard smiled. "You're so funny. Brian! He's so funny!"

"This is no laughing matter," Bert growled, but then Gerard smiled at him some more, and Bert just melted, and he decided he could wait another day or two for the bathroom blowjob he so totally deserved.

On the first night of their tour, as all the guys hung out around the buses and drank beer, Bert came up behind Gerard, jumped on his back, and whispered in his ear, "Fuck me in the ass."

Gerard laughed and handed Bert a beer. But Bert didn't want a beer. Bert wanted sex. He would've given up on this loser entirely, except Gerard was the funniest, dorkiest, most prettiest boy Bert had ever met, and he oh my god so desperately fucking had to have him that it made his balls ache.

"You are making my balls ache," Bert told Gerard the next day at soundcheck. He grabbed Gerard's microphone, wrapped the cord around his neck, and said, "Blow me or I'm going to kill you." Gerard laughed, and Bert flounced back to his bus to get some sympathy from Jeph.

That night, during a party on their bus, Bert decided to forget about Gerard. Obviously this stupid, dense, beautiful, gorgeous motherfucker couldn't take a hint, so he'd just set his sights elsewhere. Plenty of people wanted to fuck him. Groupies, fans, Jeph's cousin, their bus driver. His ass was a hot commodity, and he was not going to wait around for Gerard to realize it.

Bert stretched out his arms, pulling one after the other over his shoulder, then stretched his legs by crossing them at the knee and pushing down. Then he pulled one leg up and hooked his ankle behind his head.

"Holy shit."

Bert looked up to see Gerard sitting on the couch across from him and staring in awe. Bert smiled and stretched his other leg out sideways. "Did I mention I used to do gymnastics?" he said.

"Holy shit," Gerard repeated. He cleared his throat. "Um, hey Bert, if you're not busy, do you want to -"

"Yes yes yes!" Bert unhooked his leg, leapt off the couch, and pulled Gerard back toward the bunks.