Bert didn't have many secrets.

At least once per tour he'd disappear after their show. A few hours later Quinn would call his cell, say "where you at?", and pick him up from an abandoned house where he was sharing needles with a strung-out bearded guy and at least one half-naked woman.

The whole band knew that, even though Bert rarely spoke to his family, he kept in touch with his youngest sister via e-mail, and would always stay logged in, so that every once in a while Jeph would go to use his laptop and say something like, "Amy has a crush on a boy in her Math class." Then Bert would trip over a chair rushing to the computer, where he would pound out "all boys r scum and hav herpes no kissing!!!!1!"

Bert's secret love affair with one of the Suicide Girls was made public when Bert walked out of his hotel room in his underwear one morning and into the dining area where the band and crew were eating, and announced he was having a secret love affair with one of the Suicide Girls. (When asked which one, Bert looked confused for a moment, then dashed back to his room.)

Everyone knew that Bert's password for everything, from his e-mail to his ATM card, was "vagina".

Their manager would sometimes joke that the guys in the band were all open books, and honest to a fault. But Bert had one secret he was sure was all his.

Gerard woke up Bert by walking a Wolverine action figure from his knee up to his face, tapping the figure against his lips, and saying in a silly voice, "I am indestructible, evil McCracken, but you have melted my heart."

"Fuck you, dork-ass," Bert said, swiping at the toy and missing, his eyes still closed.

"Wake up," Gerard said. "Come on, I'll make pancakes."

Bert opened one eye. "Where's my Mommy?"

Gerard was sitting on the edge of the bed wearing pajama bottoms and a black t-shirt so old it looked like it had been partially eaten by a goat. "My mom's in Florida visiting my aunt. But she'll be back tomorrow afternoon."

Bert closed his eyes and hugged a pillow to his chest. "I'm not getting up until my Mommy is here to protect me." When Gerard was at home, he could keep a guest prisoner in his basement of geekery for days, and Bert relied on Mrs. Way to make sure he was given adequate sunlight, watering, and affection. Before he came, Mrs. Way would stock up on his favorite whiskey, and on his first day there, she would dote on him, calling him "sweetheart" and "baby", and paying so much attention to him that Bert would get dizzy from how loved he felt. After his first visit, he'd told Gerard he was leaving him for his mother, but Gerard had tackled him and tickled him until he took it back.

"You can play with my mom tomorrow," Gerard said. "Get your ass up so I can feed you."

Bert pulled the blanket over his head. "No."

Outside his dark cocoon, he heard Gerard sigh. "Come on," he said. "I'll make you pancakes, and we'll eat in our pajamas while we cuddle in front of the TV and watch cartoons. Doesn't that sound fun?"

Bert pulled the covers down and glared at him. "That sounds like hell on Earth. Where is my whiskey?"

Gerard crossed his arms. "I'm not telling you where your whiskey is until you have a nice breakfast with me, motherfucker."

"You are an evil, evil man," Bert said with a glare. "If I eat your dumb pancakes with you and watch your retarded cartoons, can I have my whiskey?"

"You can have all the whiskey you want," Gerard promised.

Bert sat up, and blinked a few times as his head spun. He didn't remember drinking that much on the last night of the tour, but his mouth tasted like vomit. He followed Gerard up the steps, where he bitched that the pancakes were raw on the inside but still ate six of them. When Gerard tried to hug him, Bert poked him in the ribs, and when Gerard kissed him, Bert bit his lower lip. Bert called all the cartoons stupid, and spit orange juice on Gerard's shirt just for the hell of it. Then Gerard lay on the couch and told Bert the whole story of the Silver Surfer, even though Bert pointed out at least five times that he didn't give a fuck.

And the secret was, he loved every retarded moment of it.