Dan knew the rumors about Bert weren't true. He'd never been close to Bert, but he knew him through Jeph, they'd been at some of the same parties and shows. Bert was a cool guy. So he knew that, when he went out to L.A. to rehearse for the tour, Bert wouldn't be (as Dan's friends had warned) eating babies, giving Quinn a handjob, and doing coke off Dan's mom's ass. He was only partially right.

When Dan and Jeph walked into Bert's living room, Bert was on top of Quinn with his hand down the front of Quinn's pants. Quinn had his head thrown back, and was making a high-pitched sound somewhere between a laugh and a scream.

"Stop it, you asshole," Quinn choked out.

"But it's true, right?" Bert said. "My hand is freakishly cold!"

Quinn struggled and managed to pull Bert's hand out of his pants. "Do you really have to demonstrate this on my nuts?"

Bert rolled over, resting his head on Quinn's stomach. "It happens whenever I play piano. Do you think I have circulation issues?"

Quinn put his arm around Bert's chest. "You have masturbation issues." He looked up and noticed the two men in the doorway. "Bert, look," he whispered. "It's our new drummer. He's so dreamy."

Bert gasped over-dramatically. "Oh my god. Do you think he likes me?"

"That depends," Quinnn replied. "Did you hook up with his little sister in High School?"

"Probably," Bert said, and they both collapsed into giggles.

Jeph walked up to them and kicked Bert lightly in the ribs. "Is this what you've been doing all day?"

"No," Bert said through his giggles. He pointed at the acoustic guitar leaning against his upright piano. "We were making the set list."

Dan walked over to the piano and looked at the sheet of paper on top of it, showing a sloppy list in alternating pen colors: "1. Bird and the Worm, 2. Take It Away, 3. Lick my balls, Quinn, 4. You smell like piss, 5. I fucked your girlfriend, 6. My girlfriend fucked you in the ass with a dildo, 7. You licked my ass and I have pictures, 8. I want a sandwich, 9. I have to poop, 10. Pretty Handsome Awkward."

"And Quinn wants to rehearse with you first," Bert continued.

Quinn nodded. "Make sure we're on the same page before we start working with Dan."

Jeph extended his hand and helped Quinn to his feet. "And what about you?" he asked Bert.

Still lying on his back, Bert stretched his arms above his head. "I'm working on the set list," he said.

Dan looked up from the sheet of paper on the piano. "It's pretty impressive. There are narratives, metaphors, the eternal struggle between good and evil."

Bert tilted his head back so he could grin at Dan. "Dan gets it! You're awesome, Dan. I didn't really hook up with your little sister."

"Actually, you did," Dan said.

Bert paused. "Oh."

Quinn waved at them as he and Jeph headed toward the basement. "You can come with."

"Yeah, in a minute," Bert called out. He rocked up into sitting position and gestured for Dan to join him on the floor. He took a plastic bag out of his pocket. "You smoke?"

"Sometimes," Dan sat across from him, amazed at how Bert could cross his legs, hunch over his lap, and fold himself into such a compact shape.

Bert dug a joint out of the small sandwich bag and lit it. "How was the flight?"

"It was rad," Dan said. Bert held out the joint and he took it. "They gave me a tiny bag of pretzels. What more could I ask for?"

Bert laughed. "Nothing, dude. You've hit the big time now."

"Hell yeah." Dan took a modest hit from the joint and passed it back.

Bert blew on the end of the joint, sending a small flutter of ash to the floor between them. "Tiny pretzels and cheap weed. You're a rock star." He blew on the glowing end again, then gestured for Dan to move closer. "C'mere."

Dan leaned forward, a little wary, sure Bert was going to try to give him a wedgie or something equally lame. But Bert just put the joint backwards between his lips, pulled Dan's head forward so that their lips were almost touching, and blew out, sending a thick stream of smoke into Dan's mouth.

Dan moved his head away even as Bert continued to blow smoke at him, and held what he'd managed to inhale in his lungs.

Bert grabbed his shoulder and moved closer. "Give it back to me," he whispered. He put his lips against Dan's, and Dan released the smoke into Bert's mouth. When he was finished, Bert leaned back and exhaled through his nose.

Dan had barely caught his breath when Bert tapped the joint on the edge of the ashtray, said, "Again", and stuck the lit end into his mouth. He stretched forward, and Dan closed his eyes and opened his mouth without even thinking. He drew in as much as he could, and by the time he opened his eyes Bert was stubbing out the joint in the ashtray, dropping it while it was still smoking, and surging forward to meet Dan's lips again. This time he didn't even bother to inhale, just shoved his tongue in Dan's mouth and grabbed his hips, pressing their bodies together, kissing him hard, slowing only when Dan coughed lightly.

Bert pulled his head back, but remained close, his bloodshot eyes shining. "You're a way better kisser than your sister."

"Is this my job initiation?" Dan asked.

"Nah," he said. "This is your job perks."

"Are your hands cold?"

Bert smiled and looked off to the side, the mischievous grin of a child. "Are your nuts warm?"

Dan put one arm around Bert's back, pressing his palm flat against his dingy t-shirt. He undid the top button of his jeans and pulled Bert closer. He hoped Quinn and Jeph would take a long time in the basement. And he hoped all the rumors about Bert were true.