In retrospect, Jamia really should've said something the second week of the tour, when Gerard was standing outside a venue and someone threw a quarter into his coffee cup. The guys looked like shit. When she first got the job at Eyeball Records, she had no idea it would mean being the tour manager for her boyfriend's new band, when said boyfriend was spending all his time being disgusting with Mikey's smelly brother.

Mikey, Ray, and Matt looked rough, but at least they were regularly availing themselves of the occasional friend's bathroom or YMCA shower. Three weeks into the tour, she hadn't seen Frank or Gerard shower once. Gerard's hair was falling over his forehead in greasy tendrils, and Jamia would be shocked if there weren't small animals living in Frank's dreds.

One day, when she was walking around backstage and could actually smell Gerard before she saw him, Jamia decided she'd had enough. She contacted the label, called in a few favors, and got the band two motel rooms. She gave Frank and Ray the keys, delegated everything to the homeless guy who'd been selling their merch, and went to the motel to wait for them. Jamia lay down on the bed, spread out her arms beside her, and smiled, thinking about how, when she woke up, her boyfriend would be lying next to her, smelling like soap.

When she woke up, Frank and Gerard were on the floor, drunk, giggling, and smelling like someone took a crap in a landfill next to a pond of rancid milk.

"What the fuck?" Jamia shouted as she sat up. "This has got to stop."

Gerard's eyes widened, and Frank looked guilty.

"I'm sorry," Frank said. "You're right. We drink too much."

"What?" Jamia said. "No, not the drinking. Hell, do heroin, I don't care. Just take a fucking shower already."

Gerard lifted his arm and smelled his armpit. "I think I'm okay for now."

"My eyes are watering from your stench." Jamia stood up. "Look, guys, I'm desperate. I'll do anything right now in exchange for both of you showering and cutting your hair." Her eyes lit up. "A threesome! I'll have a threesome with the both of you. Just take a shower, please." Her voice grew more hysterical. "Please just take a fucking shower!"

"Um," Frank looked sideways at Gerard. "I'm gonna go with 'hell yeah' on this one. G?"

"Showers are awesome," Gerard said with his creepy little smile. "I'm gonna go take one right now."

Jamia pointed at them. "And you will never let it get this bad again."

"Never," Frank said.

Gerard nodded. "Never ever."

In retrospect, Jamia really should've gotten that in writing.