When Bert woke up and realized he had a vagina, his first instinct was to shove four fingers inside himself, rub his clit with his thumb, and come so hard his vision whited out. Then he went back to sleep.

When Bert woke up again, he rubbed his breasts, played with his nipples, and humped the edge of his pillow until he came again, and then went back to sleep.

When Bert woke up for the third time, he thought he should probably tell the guys what was going on.

He stopped in the bathroom to look at himself, and was amazed by the face looking back at him. All his stubble was gone, and his face seemed softer somehow. His hair was shinier, and his eyebrows were shaped like a girl's. He was actually pretty hot. He made a few kissy faces at himself, then padded out to the front lounge.

Jeph and Dan were playing video games, while Quinn sat on the couch and plucked at his guitar. When they saw Bert enter, everyone stopped what they were doing and stared at him.

"Bert," Jeph said. "What happened to your...everything?"

"I have a vagina," Bert announced. He dropped his shorts and lifted the hem of his t-shirt. "Check it out."

Quinn's eyes widened in horror, and Jeph reached for his phone, but Dan knelt in front of Bert and poked the mass of light brown pubic hair with his finger.

"It's soft," Dan said.

"And it's got all these layers, like an onion," Bert told him. He waved at Quinn. "Quinn! Come look at my vagina."

"Um, I'd rather not," Quinn said.

Bert frowned. "Last night for Truth or Dare you spanked my ass with a fish and now you're too good to look at my vagina?"

"Which reminds me," Jeph said. "You owe me a fish." He stood up and walked back into the bunk area while dialing his phone.

"Do you have tits too?" Dan asked, and Bert lifted his shirt to his neck. His breasts weren't huge, but they were B cups at least, and Bert bounced on his toes to make them jiggle.

"Wow," Dan said. "You really turned into a girl."

Bert giggled. "Isn't it awesome? I'm so getting laid tonight."

"We have a show tonight," Quinn said.

"Quinn!" Bert said, his eyes lighting up. "You wanna fuck me?"

Quinn paled and hugged his guitar to his chest. "What? No."

Bert flipped him off. "Dan, you'll fuck me, right?" He thrust his hips forward. "I gotta see how this baby handles."

Dan chuckled as he made his way back to the television set. "Sorry, dude. That's weird even for me."

Jeph walked back into the room, holding his cell phone. "I called Brian," he said. "He said you'll turn back in a day or two. This happened twice to MCR, once to Frankie and once to He Who Shall Not Be Named."

Dan's eyes widened. "Voldemort?"

Bert rolled his eyes as he put his clothes back on. "You know, you can say the name 'Gerard' without me downing a bottle of tequila, fucking a tranny hooker, and getting arrested."

"I'm gonna have to doubt you on that one, Bert," Jeph said. "Seeing as that happened four days ago." He took a sip of his beer. "Which reminds me. You owe me fifteen hundred dollars for bail."

"So are we gonna have to cancel shows until he switches back?" Dan asked.

"Fuck that," Bert said. "We're playing our shows no matter what."

"But people will notice you're a girl," Quinn told him.

"We can have the label make a statement," Jeph suggested.

"Fuck the label," Bert walked over to Jeph and snatched his phone. He scrolled through the contacts list, found what he was looking for, and then typed this is bert i have a vagina cum to our show and ill let you see it. He hit send and handed the phone back to Jeph.

"Tell me you didn't just Twitter about your vagina," Jeph said.

"I need dresses," Bert said. "Quinn, you wanna come shopping with me?"

Quinn stood up. "Can't you take anything fucking seriously?" he snapped, and he brushed past Bert and into the bunk area.

Bert turned to Jeph and Dan. "Who stole his weed?"

Jeph reached out and took Bert's hand. "I'll go shopping with you once the bus stops. Dan can cheer up Quinn."

They got to the venue less than an hour later, and Jeph borrowed their tour manager Lisa's car. They went to a mall, where Bert walked into the first women's clothing store they passed and approached a cheerful salesgirl.

"Hi, can I help you?" the girl asked with a big smile.

"Yeah," Bert said. "I need something that'll make me look like a filthy unrepentant whore."

The girl gestured to the back of the store. "We have a whole section for that."

Bert tried on every slutty dress they had, and finally settled on three: a plain black minidress, a see-through gray knee-length dress, and a short red dress with a plunging neckline.

"Do you have money?" Bert asked when they got to the register.

Jeph sighed and handed the salesgirl his credit card. "Do you need shoes?" he asked.

Bert shook his head. "I like my sneakers."

"Bras?" Jeph gestured to the lingerie section.

"Fuck no," Bert said, bouncing on his toes. "Let them fly free."

The salesgirl laughed as she rang up the dresses and handed the card back to Jeph. "You're a lucky man," she told Jeph.

"Not the boyfriend," Jeph said holding up his hands.

Bert leaned against the counter and looked up at the salesgirl. "Yeah, so if you're into freaky hot lesbian shit, let's go."

The salesgirl smiled and asked Jeph if he would mind getting them some drinks from the Orange Julius.

An hour later Jeph found Bert asleep in the bushes behind the employee entrance of Sears, gripping his plastic bag of dresses and drooling on his t-shirt. Jeph nudged him gently with his foot.

"Jeph," Bert said weakly. "You know how cool it is to eat pussy? Imagine eating pussy, and then having someone else eat your pussy. It was like an epic feedback loop of awesome."

Jeph reached down and helped Bert get to his feet. "You owe me one thousand, six hundred twenty dollars and a fish."

When they got back to the bus, Bert modeled his dresses for Jeph and Dan, flashing them repeatedly.

"You know," Dan said. "If you're trying to show off your vagina, you might want to shave."

Bert looked under his dress and considered the idea. "Makes sense," he said. He turned his head toward the bunk area. "Quinn! You wanna help me shave my vagina?"

"Fuck you!" Quinn shouted back.

Bert sat down on the couch and pouted. "What the fuck's wrong with him? Two weeks ago I passed out at his house and he shaved my balls, and now he hates my vagina? Who hates vagina?"

Dan and Jeph exchanged a look.

"Maybe you should talk to him." Dan said.

"After I shave," Bert said. He dug a razor out of his bag and went into the bathroom.

Bert hardly wore makeup on stage anymore, but he still had a small stash, so he was able to line his eyes and put on lipstick before the show. He put on his tiny black dress, marveling at how smooth his legs and crotch were, stepped into his old sneakers, grabbed his cigarettes, and hurried to soundcheck.

For the first song, no one in the crowd seemed to notice that Bert was a girl. His hair was all over his face, he'd worn dresses on stage before, and his voice didn't sound that much different. But after the first song Bert stood on top of one of the monitors, lifted his dress, and shouted, "Check out my vagina!" The crowd screamed its approval. Bert laughed. "If you're good I'll show you my tits," he said, a promise he kept halfway through the second song. In the middle of the show, he lunged at Quinn, intending to kiss him, but Quinn put his head down and side-stepped to avoid it.

Toward the end of the show, Bert signaled to the rest of the band that they should wait before moving on to the next song. He went to the front of the stage.

"You know what's great about a vagina?" Bert shouted to the crowd. "It's useful when you don't have a fanny pack." He put one leg up on the monitor, reached between his legs, and took a half-full pack of cigarettes out of his vagina. He shook out a cigarette and a lighter, lit it, and then overdramatically sniffed the pack. "God damn I smell good," he said, and he went into the next song, smoking as he sang.

When Bert walked off stage, Lisa was waiting there. She handed him a bottle of water.

"Do you remember the first tour where I was your tour manager?" she asked. "You got so drunk you ate Quinn's shoelaces, and then you called me up at five in the morning to pick you up from the parking lot of a strip club. When I got there, you were performing oral sex on He Who Shall Not Be Named, and then you started throwing up, and I had to pull shoelaces out of your throat as you vomited all over my hands."

Bert patted her shoulder. "Good times."

"How naive of me to think that was the worst of it," Lisa said. "We're gonna have a fine for the smoking, and a fine for the nudity. The label will probably take care of it, but they'll want some answers."

Bert took another cigarette out of his damp pack. "Ask them if they can cover the sixteen hundred dollars and a fish that I owe Jepha." He lit the cigarette and hurried toward the bus.

Bert usually left the fans and signing to Jeph and Dan, but he was too excited to go back to the bus. He went up to the throng of fans waiting in the parking lot and started signing and chatting with them. A few people asked him if it was true he was a girl, and Bert just shrugged and said, "Woke up this morning with a vagina. What can I tell you?"

As the crowed began to thin, Bert spotted a dark-haired boy in the crowd with big, hazel eyes. "Hey," Bert said as the guy approached. "You want me to sign something?"

The guy shrugged. "Don't have anything."

Bert looked him up and down. "How old are you?"

The guy looked to the side, then looked back at Bert. "Eighteen?"

"Works for me," Bert said, and he grabbed the guy's hand and pulled him towards the back of the venue.

Bert pushed the guy against the back of the building and kissed him. It felt different kissing a guy when he was a girl. His lips felt thicker, and he could feel the guy's stubble against his smooth face. Bert undid the guy's pants, pulled out his dick, and hiked his dress up to his hips.

"Can you hold me up?" Bert mumbled against his lips.

The guy grabbed Bert's ass and hauled him up. Bert wrapped his legs around his waist, put his hand between them, and guided the guy's dick inside him.

"Oh, fuck!" Bert said. The sensation of being fucked, of being so incredibly perfectly filled up, made his whole body tremble. He grabbed the guy's shoulders and pushed himself up farther. "Harder, fuck me harder."

The guy pushed against him rhythmically, but it wasn't enough to get to the hot feeling in Bert's abdomen, and he keened desperately as he slammed his body into the guy's as hard as he could.

"Oh yeah," the guy said, and his hands loosened on Bert's ass.

Bert almost fell on the ground as the guy pulled his dick out of him. "What?" Bert said. "You're fucking kidding me." He could feel the guy's semen running down his legs. "Come on, fucker, my grandma could fuck longer than that."

The guy just shrugged. "Thanks," he said. "See ya'." And he walked off toward the parking lot.

Bert stormed into the bus and slammed the door. "Men are pigs," he said.

Jeph and Dan looked up from the kitchen table, where they were drinking tea. The bus rumbled to life and began moving.

Bert leaned over them to grab a paper towel from the counter, and began wiping down his legs. "I have semen all over me and I didn't even get off." He heard a noise behind him and turned around. Quinn was standing in the hallway staring at him.

"Hey," Bert said. "Wanna play the Buffy DVD drinking game? I got the list around here somewhere."

"I'm busy," Quinn said, and he turned and disappeared into the bunk area.

Bert looked back to the kitchen. "What the fuck is his problem?"

Jeph sighed. "Quinn loves you."

"I know," Bert said as he dug into his crotch and scrubbed it clean. "I love him too. We're best friends."

"No," Jeph said. "I mean, Quinn loves you. He's been in love with you for like eight years. He wants to tattoo your name on his ass and get married in Canada."

Bert dropped the wet paper towel onto the floor and frowned. "But Quinn's only into girls."

Jeph shrugged. "Apparently not."

Bert looked back toward the bunks and then turned back to Jeph and Dan. "But why wouldn't he tell me?"

"You always had girlfriends," Jeph explained. "And then there was the whole thing with He Who Shall Not Be Named, and after that you said you were through with guys."

"Yeah, but I didn't mean Quinn," Bert said. "Fuck, I would've eaten Quinn's ass out in choir when we were fifteen if I knew he'd let me."

Dan leaned his head against Jeph's shoulder. "How romantic."

"We'll be at the hotel in just a few minutes," Jeph said. "You take the room with Quinn and talk to him."

Bert went back to the bunks. Quinn's curtain was drawn and he could hear the soft noise coming from his headphones. Bert changed into his regular pants and a t-shirt, shoved all his stuff into his bag, and carried it out into the lounge to wait for the bus to stop.

When they got to the hotel Quinn didn't come out of the bus right away, so Bert went ahead into their hotel room and took a shower. To wash his vagina, he held the showerhead so that it was directly on his crotch, and immediately started moaning. "Oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck!" he shouted as he came hard. When he turned off the shower, he kissed the showerhead and said, "If Quinn rejects me, you are my new boyfriend."

Bert got dressed and went into the room. Quinn was lying on his bed with his eyes closed and his headphones in. Bert walked over to him and shoved him gently with his knee.

Quinn opened his eyes and turned off his ipod. "I'm tired," he said. "I just wanna go to sleep. So don't flash me your tits or pull things out of your vagina, okay?"

"Yeah, sure," Bert said. "I just wanted to say that I love you. And not like, best-friend love. I love you with the kind of love where I want to live with you and adopt babies and suck your dick every day and...and..." He waved his arms around in frustration. "And Christmas trees and fruit bowls and ceiling fans and jesus fucking christ almighty Quinn you're my fucking soulmate how did you not know this?"

Quinn put his ipod on the nightstand and sat up on the bed. "I'm not here just so you can take your shiny new vagina out for a spin."

"It's not about my vagina," Bert argued. "You wanna wait until I'm a dude again, that's fine. I just want you to know that we're in love, and I'm not gonna be happy until you've fucked me up the ass thirty thousand times and we cook Thanksgiving dinner together and we buy bedding from Home Goods that matches our motherfucking curtains."

Quinn looked down at his hands for a moment, then looked back up. "Instead of babies, can we have cats?"

Bert leaned down and kissed him.

They'd kissed before, plenty of times, both onstage and off, but this was the first time Quinn pulled Bert down onto the bed, crawled on top of him, and rubbed his dick against his leg.

"Do you know how bad I wanted you?" Bert said between kisses. "Fucking always. Used to wake up next to you hard as fuck..."

Quinn undid Bert's pants and slid them off. He put his face between Bert's legs, put his tongue on his clit, and pushed two of his fingers inside him.

"Holy fucking...guh!" Bert screamed. "Oh my god please don't stop please."

Quinn added a third finger and pushed his hand in and out as he licked up and down.

"Please please please," Bert chanted, rocking his body up and down to meet Quinn's rhythm. He came hard, his body bucking practically in half, grabbing at Quinn's hair and nearly sobbing at the release.

Quinn barely let Bert recover before he had taken his own clothes off and was on top of him again, kissing him with wet lips. Bert licked around his mouth, savoring the taste of him and Quinn mingled together. Quinn put his hand between them and guided his dick into Bert, and Bert yelped in surprise. He'd seen Quinn naked hundreds of times, but he'd never noticed that his dick was fucking huge. Maybe it was that he'd never seen him hard, or maybe his vagina was still too new and tight, and then Bert stopped wondering because Quinn's dick was inside him and it felt amazing.

Bert wrapped his legs so far up Quinn's back that his toes brushed Quinn's hair, and he gripped Quinn's shoulders so hard he was surprised Quinn didn't cry out in pain. Quinn thrust into him rhythmically, oddly quiet, his hard breathing the only sign of his exertion. Bert opened his eyes to see Quinn watching him with wide eyes, almost hesitant, almost afraid.

"Dude, you are hung like a fucking woolly mammoth what the fuck," Bert said, and Quinn started laughing. Bert put his hand on the back of Quinn's head as Quinn buried his face in his neck, still laughing, and suddenly it all felt familiar and perfect and right. Bert started laughing too, and Quinn gasped.

"Your fucking cunt contracts when you do that," Quinn said, pulling his head back and smoothing some of Bert's face off his hair.

Bert tilted his head to the side. "In a good way or a bad way?"

"In a weird way." Quinn leaned down and kissed him. "Get on top of me?"

Quinn slid out of Bert and Bert winced at the loss of contact. He moved so that Quinn could lie down, then straddled him and slid down on his dick.

"Oh fuck," Bert breathed out. He braced himself on his elbows on either side of Quinn's body, and pushed himself up and slid down again and again.

"Bounce on me," Quinn said, so softly Bert wasn't even sure he'd heard him right at first.

Bert straightened up his body, put his hands on Quinn's chest, and bounced gently on Quinn's dick. Quinn tightened his stomach muscles, and Bert's clit brushed against them with every bounce.

"Oh fuck," Bert said. His arms and legs started shaking and he felt like he couldn't draw in a complete breath. "Oh fuck, Quinn."

Quinn reached up and cupped his breasts. "Come on, come on," he whispered.

Bert squeezed his eyes shut and let out a moan straight from his stomach as he came hard and collapsed on top of Quinn. Quinn grasped Bert's hips and thrust upwards, his movements shaky but steady.

"Talk to me," Quinn said.

"Quinn, I love you," Bert said without hesitating. "I wanna suck your dick until it chokes me. I want you in me all the time. I want to eat your face and lick your ass and crawl up inside you and die. Quinn, Quinn."

Quinn's eyes squeezed shut and his forehead furrowed and fuck, Bert thought, even his orgasm face was pretty.

Quinn tightened his arms around Bert's chest and let out a long, low moan as he came. Bert held onto Quinn until his breath returned to normal, then pulled himself off of Quinn and lay down beside him. They lay on their sides and pressed their foreheads together.

Bert didn't realize he was crying until Quinn reached up and wiped a tear off his cheek.

"What the fuck," Bert said softly. "I didn't mean to..." He smiled. "I just love you a lot. Or maybe I'm about to get my period."

Quinn smiled, and his eyes were wet as well. "I'll still go down on you."

Bert pressed his face against Quinn's neck. "I know you will," he whispered.

When Quinn woke up, he was alone in the bed. He rolled over and saw Bert sitting on the other bed, still naked, but notably different than he had been when they fell asleep. His facial hair was back, his breasts were gone, his body seemed more stocky, and his penis rested between his legs.

"Hey," Bert said.

"You turned back."

"Yeah." Bert looked down at the floor. "Do you still...?"

Quinn pushed himself up on his elbow. "Are you fucking retarded?"

Bert looked back up at him. "Um...at times."

"This is how I've always wanted you," Quinn explained. "Now get over here and do some gay shit with me before I come over there and fuck you in your stupid face."

Bert paused to consider this. "Either way it's a win-win situation for me."

Quinn had one leg out of the bed before Bert was bounding over to him and scrambling on top of his body. He kissed Quinn wet and sloppy until they were both rutting against each other.

"You ever fucked a guy?" Bert said against Quinn's lips.

Quinn huffed out a small laugh. "I would've told you."

Bert kissed his ear. "Will you do it to me?"

Quinn let out a loud breath, pulled Bert's face against his, and kissed him hard. "You don't know how long..." he said between kisses. "Fuck, Bert, I've wanted this for so long."

Bert scrambled to reach his duffel bag, practically falling out the bed, and returned with a tube of K-Y. "On top of me," he said to Quinn, and he lay down on the bed with his knees up. He coated himself in lube, tossed it on the floor, and gestured for Quinn to kneel over him. Quinn put his hands beside Bert's shoulders, and Bert hooked his legs over Quinn's arms.

"Go ahead," Bert said.

Quinn pushed into Bert slowly, squeezing his eyes shut and resting his head on Bert's chest. "You're so..." he choked out. "Fuck, Bert, you're so tight. It doesn't hurt?"

Bert's body arched against the bed and he pulled at Quinn's hips. "Don't stop, please."

Quinn pushed in and out of Bert slowly, making impossible noises in the back of his throat and dripping sweat on Bert's chest. Bert put his hand on his dick and closed his eyes, his senses overloaded. When he opened his eyes, he saw Quinn staring up at him, like he couldn't believe what was happening. Quinn put his hand over Bert's and brought him off effortlessly, and a moment later Quinn had his head in Bert's neck and was shaking all over as Bert pet his hair and said, "I know, I know."

They ended up wrapped around each other, kissing lazily in the brightening sunlight.

"Do you miss your vagina?" Quinn asked.

"Nah," Bert said. "I have plenty of orifices."

Quinn smiled. "I look forward to exploring them all."

Bert turned his head to glance at the clock. "We probably have an hour or so until Lisa wakes us up. You wanna sleep?"

"No," Quinn said. He tightened his arms around Bert. "I've woken up from dreams like this too many times."

Bert kissed him. "I'll be here every day when you wake up," he said. "Hugging you. Kissing you. Rubbing my morning wood on your ass. Teabagging you against your will. Licking your eyeballs."

Quinn closed his eyes. "Promise?"

Bert rested his head against Quinn's chest. "Promise."

WeAreTheUsed: this is bert i have a vagina cum to our show and ill let you see it

WeAreTheUsed: got my dick back quinn fucked me were getting married registered at ikea buy me shit mthfkers love brettt

WeAreTheUsed: @gerardway fuck you voldemort - Q

gerardway: @WeAreTheUsed am confused. someone call me. also I bought you a lamp at ikea I hope you like it.