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Brother's Keeper
by Vamphile
Eighteen
Justin woke up and reached for his water bottle. His head hurt. He was hungry. He looked to his right. Brian wasn’t there. He needed to talk to him but first he needed some coffee and toast.
Brian was passed out on the sofa, an almost empty bottle of Beam cradled in his arm. “FUCK.” Justin thought to himself. This would be easier if the fucker wasn’t so goddamned sensitive about everything. Then again, he wasn’t exactly sure what he’d said before he crashed last night.
He was sitting at the kitchen table debating toasting another bagel when Brian started showing signs of life.
“Coffee?”
Brian nodded and Justin brought him a mug, hot, strong, sweet. Brian grunted in acknowledgement or thanks and Justin brought his own cup to the sofa sitting on the opposite end, both curled up into their own protective space. Neither touching.
“We need to talk.”
“No shit.”
“Something’s wrong.”
“No shit.”
“Brian can you stop for a second.”
“Sure. What am I stopping?”
“Can you just let me talk?”
“Do I have a choice?”
Justin stood up quickly and started rummaging through the kitchen. He eventually found peanut butter and bread. He made himself a sandwich and continued to ignore Brian.
“Justin come back.”
“I’m hungry.”
“I’ll order something.”
Justin threw the entire mess into the sink. The knife rattled. The plate almost broke. He didn’t care.
“Thought we were gonna keep it to pacing and fucking up my floors.”
“Fuck you.”
Brian stood up and went to the bathroom ignoring Justin’s outburst. When he came out, his face was still wet. He’d splashed cold water on it trying to clear his head. He was trying to maintain his patience.
He called in the order and they sat in silence.
Once the food came Brian sat on the sofa and picked at his. Justin inhaled his sesame noodles at the table. Neither spoke. When Justin had finished he left the empty boxes on the table and headed back to the bed. Brian grabbed his arm.
“Uh uh. You’re the one who said we needed to talk.”
Justin walked back to the sofa and curled up in a corner of it. Brian wanted to hold him. But he wasn’t sure that was safe. He sat on the other side and angled his body so that they were facing each other. He reached out a leg to bump a bare foot against Justin’s but Justin pulled his knees in closer wrapping his arms around them.
Brian didn’t say another word. He watched Justin physically retreat. He watched Justin’s face and couldn’t read a single one of the emotions that were flitting across. He felt like a coiled spring. One wrong move and he’d unfurl and go skittering across the loft. He had a feeling Justin was in a similar state.
“I did something phenomenally stupid.”
“That’s not new.”
“It’s your fault.”
“That’s not new either.”
“I was really angry.”
“was?”
“Am. I am really angry.”
“Sadly, that’s not new either.”
“I love you Brian.”
“First good news I’ve had all day. But is that why you’re angry?”
Justin said nothing.
“You pick where you want to start. Phenomenally stupid or really angry?”
“I got really fucked up.”
“I know. I called you.”
“Like, lost for two days fucked up. And before you say anything, I’m not Ted. I’m not a fucking crystal queen. I just suddenly understood the appeal of being too tweaked to care. And I guess it wasn’t that stupid.”
“What wasn’t getting fucked up or what you did while you were? Who was watching you?”
“no one needs to watch me Brian. I don’t’ need a fucking babysitter.
Brian said nothing but right this moment…he wasn’t so sure.
Justin sighed. “Matt was there for a while, but he had to go.”
Brian wanted to scream. His images of where this might be heading were killing him. “So Matt left.”
“And I was flying pretty high. And the guys were hot, and the music was loud and the beer was cold”
“You were drinking while you were tweaked.”
“Yeah, I broke that rule but that’s a bullshit rule. You break that one all the time.”
“I don’t have your bizarre body chemistry. I’m not allergic to cats Tylenol and some shades of green.”
“Fuck you.”
“Still with the anger.”
“Still there, just buried a little under the whole hating myself thing.”
“Justin… can we get to the phenomenally stupid part before I imagine something that has to be worse than what you actually did?”
“I went home with some guy.”
“So you’re tweaked, you’re drunk. No one is around to know you’re leaving and you take a guy home.”
“No. This is kind of where the stupid part comes in.”
Brian inhaled deeply. “Okay.”
“I went back to his place. And it’s not against our rules. But it’s against mine. I don’t do that. I’m not that stupid. You’re bigger than I am Brian. You’ve got a better chance of making your own way out of a situation if you want to. I’m not really a twink anymore but I’m not exactly a bear either. I don’t go back to his place, ever.”
“Good rule.”
Justin smiled a little ruefully. “I always thought so. But I woke up at his place. Don’t remember how we got there. Don’t remember him… and before you ask…yes we were safe. Made sure of that before I left. Don’t need more fear. But it was scary and it was wrong and I was out of control. Not your control. My own control and it was your fault.”
“You know those definitive plans you have to kill me?”
Justin was staring at his own toes his chin resting on his knees. “Yeah.”
“I’m gonna have to borrow them and kill you first.”
“I know you’re mad.”
“Do you know why?”
“Because I was acting like a stupid twat?”
“Good. You do know. Look, I’m not big on telling you what to do.”
Justin snorted.
“Okay, I am a little into telling you what to do, but it’s not like you ever listen. But that’s not the point here. The point here is that ultimately I trust you. Not just with stupid shit, like that you’re not gonna go schoolboy mooney eyed over some romantic bullshit and that you’re gonna be honest with me if you do. I trust you. as a man, to be smart. Don’t make me question that. I don’t know if I can worry that much. I’ll get prematurely gray.”
“So I won’t tell you.”
“What?”
“If you worry too much when shit like this happens I won’t tell you about it.”
“Not the answer I was looking for.”
“Brian I’m not gonna do that again. And I’m telling you now because I fucking scared myself. And this is still all your fault.”
“Okay. Lets agree that you’re not going to do anything even remotely like that again. We’ll table the debate as to how much I’m allowed to hate Matt right now.”
“Not at all.”
“I said we’re tabling that debate.”
“Whatever.”
“Now lets focus on why it’s my fault you went into some sort of self inflicted drug binge that ended in your waking up in a strange room next to a strange trick and no memory of the preceding events.”
“Because you pissed me off.”
“I’ve been pissing you off for six years. You finally cracked?”
“The other stuff was penny ante shit.”
“Really? You didn’t think so at the time.”
“I didn’t know what real bullshit was.”
“And what is it.”
“It’s you, trying to run my life. Trying to control me. Making it impossible for us to ever be together permanently. Because you always have to be the one on top. And if you make a bad sexual innuendo I’m fucking leaving. But you have to be in the lead. And I thought the whole point to this little…whatever the fuck we have, is that eventually we were gonna be partners. EQUAL partners. I can’t be your equal while I’m still your kid.”
“Justin if you were my kid what we have would be too twisted to contemplate.”
“You know what I mean.”
“I swear to Christ I don’t.”
“You. You and your fucking deep pockets.” Justin was standing and pacing now. He seemed to have completely lost the lethargy of a few moments ago. Brian took two cigarettes out of his pack and lit them both. He handed one to Justin who took it without noticing, inhaled deeply and continued to pace.
When he became aware of it he threw it back at Brian. “Like that.”
Brian moved quickly, capturing the lit cigarette and putting it in the ashtray before it left a hole in his sofa or his shirt. He was pissed now. He grabbed Justin’s arm and flung him back onto the sofa. He leaned in 'til they were practically nose-to-nose.
“I don’t care if you want to fuck up my floors. I care that you’re pissed at me and we’re gonna work this out. But…” Brian's eyes were dark, he was angry and Justin seemed to recognize that maybe he’d crossed a line. “You ever throw a fucking lit cigarette at me again and you won’t have a chance to wonder what it is you did to upset me. Got it?”
Justin nodded and swallowed.
Brian moved back, allowing Justin to move again but he didn’t. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t fucking do it again.”
“Brian…”
“Just tell me what I did, and I’ll fix it, or stop doing it, or whatever.”
“that’s just it. You want to FIX it. You want to fix everything. I’m struggling to build a life, and you just can’t seem to let me do it.”
“I’m missing the part where I’m doing anything to hold you back from having a life.”
“I’m an adult.”
“Yes.”
“But you keep fixing things, buying things, providing things. You want me to take a cab from the airport…like I’ve got that kind of cash. You want me to accept that you had business cards made up for me. Like I have no method of making money, no earning potential without your assistance.
I break my phone you buy me a new one.
I need studio space. You set up an entire studio.
I look at something online and it magically appears.
Brian it’s okay to want something and not get it.”
“Why should you have to?”
“Because most people do. Because it’s about earning it. Because I’m never going to be anything but the little woman to you if my career, my life, is just a hobby you support.”
“You really think that?”
“It’s the truth.”
“No. But you really think it is don’t you.”
“Brian. What’s your net worth?”
“What?”
“You, how much are you worth?”
“I heard somewhere that if you boil a body down to chemicals and bones it’s worth a couple of hundred bucks.”
Justin glared at him. “
You want me to call Ted and have him send you the profit and loss statements for the last quarter?”
“Like you don’t know what it says on that bottom line.”
“Yeah I do. Why do you care?”
“Because you do.”
“I do?”
“You care that you can provide for everyone. But you’re so busy providing you don’t notice that you’re taking something from me at the same time.”
“What? What is it you think I’m taking from you?”
“My independence, my ability to ever be equal. My right to want things.”
“Not seeing a single one of these as being related to me replacing your phone.”
“Brian I make a decent living Rage. The next issue is coming out soon. Okay, the Honeymoon issue didn’t sell quite like the wedding volume… it did okay. I’m not flat broke. I’ve also sold some art in the past year. And got a couple of commissions to do portraits and shit.”
“I know all this.”
“So I was drooling over a computer. And I figured that next year, I’d be able to afford one like that when they’d upgraded the processor speed and this was last years model. But then you bought it for me.”
“You’re welcome.”
“Brian. Do you realize that I can’t show an interest in anything without you assuming I’m asking you to buy it for me.”
“You’ve never asked me to buy you anything.”
“But if you buy me everything I look at, then I can’t look at anything without you inferring that I’m asking.”
“I don’t care if you ask. I’ll buy you whatever you want.”
Justin rubbed his face with his hands and then pulled them through his hair. “You really don’t understand?”
“I really have no clue why it’s wrong to buy you something if you want it.”
“Because I want to want it.”
“What?”
“Brian. If I said. ‘I’m ready, I’m coming home’ what would you say?”
“Today? That you don’t think this is home.”
“What?”
“That’s what you said last night, you weren’t home. You were in Pittsburgh.”
“Well, this isn’t supposed to be home.”
“Bullshit.”
“Brian I’m supposed to be building a life. And I am, and it’s not a bad life. I have friends.” Justin ignored Brian’s derisive snort. The matt issue was gonna have to be addressed. “I have work. I am making some amazing connections and feeling really good about some of the stuff I’m producing.”
“Okay.”
“But if I were to come back here. I would be back in the world that revolves around you. Our family… YOUR family. Our loft… YOUR loft. Our money…YOUR money. My art…YOUR little donation to the art world.
Everything in this world revolves around you. My father, who you hate, has a little half-breed and suddenly he’s your new best friend. There’s no part of me that doesn’t get swallowed up by you when I’m here. And Brian. I can’t take it anymore. I can’t take working towards something that’s never gonna happen.”
Brian was silent.
“Say something.”
Brain wasn’t sure he could talk. “Never gonna happen?”
“Us. Together, equals. It can’t happen while I’m still a lowly artist making chump change and you’re some rich sugar daddy.”
“Is that really what you think? That how much money you make factors into our equality?”
“Of course it does.”
Brian laughed. Justin glared at him but Brian was laughing too hard to stop. “Christ.” He finally managed. “You scared the shit out of me.”
“What the fuck is so goddamned funny?”
“You. You’re adorable, and retarded, and pathetic and funny. Do you really think I give a shit if you never earn another dime in your life?”
“Brian I give a shit. And yes, I think I’d get to hear about what a nice little girl I make for all eternity while I stay home and cook and iron you’re fucking shirts.”
“You’ve never ironed anything in your life. And even if you decided to never sell another piece of art again ever… I’d still send my shirts out. And I don’t think of you as the little woman. Trust me, I don’t want a wife.”
“And I don’t want to be one.”
“Which is why what we have works. Or was working 'til you fried one too many brain cells.”
“Brian I’m serious.”
“I know. That’s the only reason I’m not laughing harder. Justin, do you really think that money is what makes you my equal.”
“No, money is why I’ll never be your equal.”
“You really won’t. You surpassed me years ago.”
“Don’t patronize me.”
“I’ m not. Who the fuck has all the hand in this relationship Justin? Who leaves?”
“Not fair.”
“Honest. You. You leave, you come back. You say yes, you say no. If anyone’s the little wife waiting on the sidelines it’s me. But I don’t care. Because you do come back and you do say yes. And I’m fine with it.”
“Because you know that you can leave if you want.”
“Financially I can go anywhere I want. I want to be here so I can pick you up from the airport when your plane gets in.”
“You still don’t get it.”
“I do. What’s funny is that you don’t. We have the most twisted relationship I know. And that includes some really fucked up shit when you consider the fact that I know about three straight people total. Even for Liberty Avenue our relationship is non conventional…but suddenly you want to start checking balance sheets and deciding who brings home the bacon and who fries it? That’s probably the most twisted thing you’ve wanted in a while.”
“Brian.”
“Think about it. I want a beer. You?”
“Yeah.”
Brian brought back the beer and sat closer to Justin this time. He ran a hand through Justin’s hair. “It’s not about money.”
“It’s a little about money.”
“No even then it’s about contribution. Justin you contribute more to this thing we have. No. Not more. You contribute, so do I. We make adjustments, concessions, and compromises. And do you think I’d be where I am now without you?”
“Yes.”
“Wrong. I’d probably be dead. But beyond that. Justin you helped design KinnetiK. You came up with the name. You fucking figured out the perfect layout for Babylon, and then re=did it and made it more perfect when the fucking plumbing and pipes weren’t where they were supposed to be.
There are a lot of people who have built me into something in their heads. Mikey, Lindsay, Melanie, Deb, Ted…hell, even Cyn thinks she knows me. You’re the ONLY person who’s built me into something honest in your own head and in my life.”
“What are you on?”
“What?”
“You never talk this much.”
“This is important to me. You think you don’t fucking contribute? Justin you fucking inspire all of it. And no, I’m not gonna give you some bullshit about doing it all for you. It’s for me. I like being able to afford things. I like winning. And I like what I do. And I’m fucking good at it. But it wouldn’t mean half as much if I didn’t have you to call while I’m doing it. And it wouldn’t mean much at all if I couldn’t help you sometimes.”
“But you help me ALL the time.”
“Well I can try to back off on that. I can’t promise. I like to buy you things.”
“Do you have any idea what it looked like when I opened that web cam in front of my friends?”
“Looked like I wanted to see you naked even if we were in different cities.”
“Yeah, but that was not a ‘free with purchase’ little thing. That was thousands of dollars worth of equipment. That entire set up was so I could edit the volume and the bass and all the other bullshit in my multi media pieces.”
“And so I could see you naked.”
“But they only got the seeing me naked part. Which makes me a whore.”
“And me a skeezy old perv.”
“Well yeah.” Justin smiled for the first time today.
“Do you ever have to rush home and be naked because I’ve demanded it?”
“Um, when the fuck would you do that?”
“That’s my point. This isn’t about you being my little kept boy. This is about me keeping my man.”
“You’re weird.”
“You’re in love with me what does that make you?”
“Pathetic.”
“Is this round over?”
Justin leaned back exhausted, and drained his beer. “Yeah.”
“We’ve still got shit to talk about.”
“No shit.”
“We can do it later though”
“Fine.”
“Come to bed.”
“Is that an order?”
“Can’t order around an unrepentant man”
“Then no, I’m not coming to bed.” He smirked.
Brian shrugged and straddled his legs. “Sofa works.”
“Brian.” Justin sighed and Brian licked a wide swipe from his shoulder to his ear. He shuddered. “Take me to bed.”
“Is that an order?”
“Yes.”
Brian took Justin's hand and walked with him up the stairs.
He pushed at the waistband of his sweatpants and lifted him out of them, throwing him back on to the bed. He shed his own jeans and shirt quickly and was kissing gently at Justin's neck and nibbling on his ears. He heard Justin make sounds in the back of his throat and moved his mouth lower to his nipples.
He was intent on putting this fight behind them. To do that. To really be beyond a fight, everyone knows you need makeup sex.
He put slid the condom on and Justin's legs were wrapped around his back, his body moving trying to capture the head of Brian's cock and pull it inside him. Brian obliged and when he was buried to the hilt he waited for that familiar feel of Justin's acceptance. For Justin’s body to start to move and when it did he set a fast rhythm moving in and out of him. Groaning as Justin's hands splayed across his back, pulling him to him.
Brian stopped all movement for a moment. He stared into Justin’s eyes. “Don’t ever think I don’t need you Justin, probably more than you need me.”
Justin came then, without Brian moving again. His body milking Brian’s orgasm from him. They collapsed together, knowing that was the first of many rounds to come. Both conversationally and in bed.
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