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The End Done Right
by Vamphile
Chapter Eighteen
The next couple of weeks were rough on them all. It was early September and Gus was in Nursery school. Brian was willing to pay for a nanny for the kids, to give Lindz a break, but she refused. She spent her days taking care of JR until Gus got home, and then taking care of them both. Lindsay was recovering, slowly. It wasn’t just the bruises, those heal. She missed Melanie, and she knew she shouldn’t. It was almost impossible to talk to Brian about it. For Brian this was very black and white. Melanie was simply not worth missing. Justin was more understanding.
Lindsay and Justin had become closer. He was actually quite sweet and seemed to understand more than Brian did how you could miss and love someone who you knew you shouldn’t but then Justin had been there, and was willing to admit it. Brian would never hurt Justin, not physically, but Justin had been told a thousand times he shouldn’t put up with Brian, and yet, here they were, together, and seemingly stronger than ever.
Justin and Lindsay shared something else, an inability to sleep.
Brian and Justin still had their debates over what time he’d finish working for the night, but lately, as Justin left the studio at the specified time, he’d find Lindsay sitting in the den, mindlessly watching an old movie, or sometimes staring at a book pretending to read. Justin had taken to sitting with her sometimes.
They’d talk, and then they’d just sit, and she seemed to draw some strength, or comfort from the man’s presence, from his quiet understanding. Justin marveled at how similar Brian and Lindsay were sometimes. They both felt that it was their job to be strong and fix the problem. Both of them sat in silence and brooded well.
At first, when Justin hadn’t come up to bed at the agreed upon time Brian came down to retrieve his obsessive artist. He’d seen him sitting, listening to Lindsay as they talked in hushed tones. He just went back upstairs. The next night they were sitting silently, watching an old movie on TV. After a half a dozen encounters like this Brian still insisted Justin stop working, still haggled the times, but said nothing if he didn’t make it up to bed 'til much later. He was helping. Lindsay was getting stronger. Together, Justin and Lindsay directed the contractors, and the carriage house was transformed into livable space. Two bedrooms on the first floor, a large open living space with loft space for Lindsay's bed and even enough room for an easel.
And through all of this, as colors were picked and plumbing repaired on the carriage house, Justin was looking worse and worse.
Brian had tried to confront him about it a few times, and Justin promised that in three weeks, when the first set of canvases were wrapped packed, loaded, shipped and received, he would slow down.
In the meantime Brian watched the dark circles under his eyes get darker and larger. His beautiful body, always lean and pale was now dangerously thin and far too pale. He ate, Brian saw that he genuinely tried to eat, but he often forgot to if no one reminded him, and he didn’t sleep. He woke up often, sitting bolt upright in bed, his face contorted with fear. Brian would put his hand flat on his back, feeling his breathing and his heart rate, both dangerously high. He would rub small comforting circles on his back, trying not to focus on how very pronounced his vertebrae were. He’d make soft soothing sounds, and whisper sweet useless phrases. “It’ll be okay, Shhhh, I’m right here.”
More often than not, Justin would after a few minutes, lay back down, and Brian would pull him close, feeling his heart rate return to normal, and then his breathing would slow and become even. Once that happened, Brian could return to sleep as well, and most nights Justin didn’t even remember that anything had happened. But as a result, Justin's few hours of sleep were never truly recuperative and he was subsisting on caffeine and cigarettes.
Tonight, Lindsay had been too tired to stay up; she’d taken a Xanex and curled up next to Gus in his bed. Justin crawled into bed at 2:51.
“Here.”
Brian handed Justin a bottle of water and a small peach colored pill.
“What’s this?”
”Xanex, you need to sleep.”
Justin put the pill and the water on his nightstand and snuggled his body under the covers, resting his head on his pillow. “I’m going to sleep, right now.”
”But you need to actually sleep, through the entire night, for more than four hours.”
Justin wrinkled his nose. “I don’t need a sleeping pill, I’ve been sleeping fine.”
“No you haven’t.”
Justin opened his eyes at Brian's harsh tone. “Have I been tossing around, and keeping you up? I’m sorry, you should have said something. I can sleep downstairs if you want, or…”
Brian rolled his eyes. “You wake up every night in terror.”
“No I don’t”
“Oh, I guess I’ve been imagining it.”
“Brian, I know when I wake up from a nightmare, I haven’t had one in weeks, I’ve been too tired every night to even dream.”
”These aren’t nightmares, they’re more like night terrors, and you don’t wake up, at least not fully.”
“Brian, what the fuck are you talking about?”
”You, and your little panic attacks in the middle of the night.”
“Brian I haven’t had one in weeks.”
“You’ve had one every night FOR weeks.”
”God, I’m sorry.”
”Why are you apologizing, I’m just saying, take some thing for the fucking anxiety.”
”If I take that I won’t wake up 'til noon.”
”And what would happen if just tomorrow you slept 'til noon.”
”I wouldn’t have enough time to meet with Gregory about final touches on the carriage house, and I wouldn’t get a chance to stretch the canvas for my next project and even if I did all that, I’d have no time to get to the art supply store and I’m out of a few things that I desperately need.”
“Give me a list, I’ll go to the store.”
“I need to go.”
”Can’t we hire someone to stretch the canvases for you?”
”It’s important that I do it myself I want everything for this show to be…”
”Perfect?”
”Yes, is it so wrong that I want my first art show in New York to be perfect?”
”It’s wrong if it’s going to make you sick.”
”I’m not sick.”
Brian shrugged, “If you say so.”
“If you want me to sleep downstairs I will.”
“I want you to sleep here, in our bed, but I want you to sleep.”
“You know I’d be asleep already but my…Brian won’t shut the fuck up.”
Brian laughed a little. Fine, but no working 'til eleven tomorrow, so there’s no point in even getting out of bed 'til 10:30.”
“Tomorrow’s Thursday and you have to go to work, you can’t keep me out of my studio while you’re at work.”
”Tomorrows Saturday.”
“Really?”
”Really.”
“Hmmm, the days are running together. I really do need to sleep. G’night” he kissed Brian on the nose and closed his eyes.
Brian watched him fall asleep, he really did practically pass out as soon as his head hit the pillow.
A week later the day had finally arrived. It was moving day, for both Justin and Lindz.
The carriage house was finally livable and Justin had completed 39 pieces for the show, enough to ship to Ranston’s Gallery. He knew he should follow them. He owed the gallery owner two more appearances and Ranston had been calling him almost every day trying to pin down a date, but Justin had been putting him off. He finally agreed to go three days after the paintings were to arrive. It would give him a chance to make sure everything had reached it’s destination undamaged and give him a chance to come up for air, he’d been spending so much time in the studio, and the rest of his time trying to comfort Lindsay and make Brian happy, that he felt he was failing at all of it.
Brian helped to settle Lindsay, Gus and JR in to their new home.
In truth, it was a safer place for JR, as no matter how toddler friendly they tried to keep the place, they just weren’t very good at it. Sure all the outlets were covered, and the lower level kitchen cabinets baby proofed, which pissed Brian off every time he forgot, (every time he tried to open one of them), but last week they had found her chewing on a wine bottle cork, no one was sure where she had found it. Three days ago she’d graciously handed Brian an item that upon closer inspection was a beer bottle cap. Yesterday she almost pulled the runner, and the rock garden/candle display centerpiece onto her head, while sitting in the great room. The house just wasn’t built for a baby.
The Carriage house had been professionally baby proofed. It had been redesigned to suit Lindsay's needs, and tastes. It was not what Brian would have chosen. A bit too many earthy crunchy prints, both in fabric choices and color schemes, but Lindsay seemed happy with it.
Justin was like a parent giving away his children as the men loaded the artwork into the truck. Each one was carefully wrapped, with protective pieces on the corners and wrapped in bubble wrap, and then secured into the truck, it did Justin no good to see their obvious professionalism, and their painstaking precautions, he was still pacing back and forth, biting his nails to the quick, and cracking the knuckles on his right hand systematically with the same emotional intensity of a truly repentant soul doing a rosary.
When the truck left, he cried.
Brian wanted to comfort him, but he had no idea what to say, and only slightly understood why he was crying.
Maybe once he saw the pieces, safely ensconced in New York, he’d be okay.
Two days later they were both packing.
“You don’t have to come with me.”
Brian continued packing.
Justin was cracking the knuckles on his right hand, a sound that made Brian grit his teeth but he was pretty sure Justin wasn’t aware that he even did it.
“Brian, Lindsay probably isn’t ready to be left alone, and…”
Brian's expression made him stop.
“We’re going to New York, plane’s leaving in two hours.”
Brian flashed on their last few outings to the city. The fear in Justin’s eyes, the hot night at the club, the absolute terror in his expression when he thought Brian had left. There was no way Brian was letting him go alone.
Justin sat on the bed and just watched Brian pack. “It’s only one night, and you’re going to be bored.”
“Well maybe you can think of something to do to entertain me.”
Justin tried to smile but he was dreading an entire day and night in a hotel room with Brian. And then he felt so guilty for feeling that way. He took a deep breath, trying to steady himself.
Brian glanced over at Justin, sitting dejectedly on the bed. He was packing for the both of them. He wanted to comfort him, but he no longer knew how, and he was angry. Angry that Justin wasn’t taking care of himself; angry that he didn’t know how to make him do so.
They both hugged Lindsay goodbye, and promised to call, and they were off. Justin got drunk than Brian on the flight, a switch for them, and passed out almost as soon as they entered the hotel suite.
He came to a few hours later, breathing fast and shallow.
Brian was sitting at the table and smoking.
“You okay?”
Brian had tried, countless times to comfort Justin and nothing he did seemed to work, he decided to try a different, less hands on approach.
“What? yeah, fine, just gonna take a shower and…” Justin glanced at the clock, it was only 7 in the evening “Get to the gallery, make sure they didn’t hang anything upside down.”
Brian nodded. Saying nothing.
Justin was relieved. As much as he felt better, safer, loved when Brian soothed him, he also felt guilty and stupid and pathetic for needing anyone to do so, and even worse for asking Brian to. Brian was good at a lot of things, tenderness wasn’t one of them and Justin didn’t like the feeling of forcing Brian into a role that made him unhappy.
He showered, letting the ice cold water hit his skin. It hurt, but it also made him take deep breaths, and somehow calmed him more than a relaxing hot shower would. His teeth were chattering and his lips were blue when he finally emerged.
He pulled on a robe and started to riffle through the suitcase trying to find something suitable to wear for the meeting.
Brian stood behind him, pulling him backwards, leaning Justin against his broad chest. His hand was about to move down Justin’s naked body when he stopped.
“Jesus Christ Justin, you’re freezing.”
Justin leaned against him. “Shower water was cold.”
Brian turned him around and looked into his blue eyes, and then took in the fact that his lips were a similar shade and his teeth were chattering.
“What the fuck, are you okay?”
Justin smiled, “I told you the shower was cold.”
”Cold showers, you don’t think we have time to get rid of your sexual frustration the old fashioned way?”
Brian leaned in to kiss him, but his need to taste Justin, to feel Justin relax his body against him was actually secondary at this moment to his utter desire to see Justin's lips a color not usually found in morgues.
He kissed him slowly, until he felt Justin return the kiss, and respond. Soon Justin's cold skin was blushing back to a more normal hue. His hands were working at removing Brian's shirt as his body was busy showing Brian just how much warmth it was able to give.
Eventually Justin lost himself in the kiss and pulled Brian on top of him, only to laugh as he banged himself against the suitcase that was directly behind him on the bed.
“Ow”
Brian looked up and realized what had happened. He pulled Justin up and pushed the suitcase off the bed. At this point, he may as well have let Justin pack, everything was going to need ironing again but he didn’t care. He kissed each part of Justin, stopping and spending a little extra time when he found a spot that was still cold from the shower. His hot mouth and tongue heating Justin's entire body until Justin was shaking and shivers were running down his spine, but for an entirely different reason.
When Brian finally flipped Justin over, pulling his robe off of him, his skin was flushed with color, and his need was apparent. As Brian put on a condom and slowly pushed into him, Justin moaned, an involuntary sound from deep in his throat.
Brian kneeled behind him and rubbed his hands up and down Justin's back, as Justin matched his rhythm, pushing back against him as he buried himself deep into the blonde’s ass.
When Justin reached down, bringing himself to orgasm, Brian's movements quickened, and soon they both collapsed on the bed silently.
Justin curled up against Brian. “We haven’t done that in a while.”
“Three whole days.”
”Has it been that long?”
Brian laughed and Justin snuggled closer to Brian. “You know, I don’t have an actual appointment with Ranston today, and I suppose some of my work could be viewed just as enjoyably upside down.
“You want to just stay in?”
”Yes please.”
Brian pulled Justin closer, wondering if there was any way he could convince Justin that it was just as okay to take a night like this in their own home as it was to do so in this suite in New York.
Justin was a wreck the next day. No matter what Brian offered as a distraction Justin continued to simply sit on the bed and shake.
“I’m sorry I’m being so stupid.”
“You’re not stupid, you’re sick.”
”I’m not sick.”
Brian looked at him, curled up into himself in fleece pants, a long sleeve shirt and a hoodie his teeth still chattering.
“If you’re not sick, you’re doing an amazing acting job.”
Brian called room service and ordered chicken soup.
“I don’t want any.”
“I didn’t ask.”
“Brian I can’t eat today, I’m too nervous about the show, I need to go, to walk off some of this nervous energy.”
Brian shrugged, “Put on some shoes, we’ll go for a walk.”
Justin looked at him, “I think I need to go alone.”
“Bullshit.”
”Brian, I’m just worried about the show okay, I’ll be fine.”
You eat the soup, you can go walk around all you want, but the last thing I saw you eat was two days ago, and I’m not really looking to have you pass out alone in central park, it’s not on the itinerary.”
Justin began pacing, cracking his knuckles, grinding his teeth together to keep them from chattering.
“I eat the soup and I can go?”
“Eat the soup and I’ll stop holding you captive.”
“What is this, magic soup?”
”You know what, do whatever the fuck you want, you always do. Go, take a long walk in central park, do whatever you have to do but pull yourself together.”
Justin wasn’t surprised at the tone in Brian's voice; he’d been expecting it for weeks, if not months now. Brian had his limits, and somehow Justin always managed to push him just over them. It was just a matter of time.
Justin pushed his feet into a pair of sneakers and stormed out.
“Fuck.”
Brian fought the urge to go after him for several seconds, and then walked out of the room determined to find Justin.
It was a short search, he’d made it to the elevator before he’d felt the sudden need to sit down, he was tired, his legs were shaking like he’d just run a marathon, and he had no idea where he was going. Tears were falling unheeded down his face.
Brian found him like that several seconds later and simply put out his hand.
Justin took the proffered hand and followed Brian back to the room.
“Why don’t we start this conversation over?”
Justin still crying nodded.
“Want to go for a walk?”
Justin shook his head.
“Want some soup.”
Justin nodded.
“See, life is much easier when you just fucking listen to me isn’t it.”
Justin nodded again, looking up and smiling a little.
“You’re not always right you know.”
”Yeah, I’m sure I’ll be wrong someday, and as soon as I am, I know you’ll be there to point it out.”
Justin lay down on top of the covers.
Brian answered the door, signed for the soup and hung a do not disturb sign on the knob.
He brought the soup back to Justin who made a halfhearted attempt at eating it before curling back up.
Brian folded the covers so that they were covering his dangerously small frame and went back to reading the paper, hoping something horribly tragic had happened to some earnest hard working nun in some third world country so that he could find something to laugh about.
PITTSBURGH
Emmett and Ted and Blake all made it to Deb’s Friday dinner. Michael and Ben were there as well, but hunter had a date and was unable to attend.
Lindsay was still a little hesitant about it but Deb had insisted. The conversation flowed easily, and Lindsay remembered how much she really did miss her friends. Michael was thrilled to see JR, but his opportunities to actually hold her were few, as Deb seemed unwilling to relinquish the girl. She went about serving dinner with the baby on her hip.
“So you finally broke down and got a dog?” Emmett asked.
Ted smiled, “we did.”
Blake laughed, “you know, I was the one who wanted the dog, and I think teed loves her more than I do.”
“Well, she’s so cute, have you guys seen the latest pictures?” and Ted began passing around pictures of the small Yorkie terrier they’d recently purchased. “Her name is bluebonnet, but we just call her blue.”
They all smiled indulgently.
Lindsay was starting to really relax when Melanie appeared at the door.
“Should have known you’d just fall back into your old rhythms.”
”Mel. W What is you doing here?”
”I came to see if you’d poisoned all of my friends against me.” Melanie looked around the room. “Why am I not surprised that you go for the friends with dicks.” Carl took a step forward, preventing Debbie and Ben and Emmett from getting any closer to Mel, they all had dangerous looks in their eyes.
Michael had taken JR upstairs with Gus; he was trying to keep the kids from seeing too much of this.
“Melanie.” Carl spoke slowly, trying to keep things calm. “I’m going to need you to leave, there’s a Protection From Abuse order, a PFA that says you can’t be here right now.”
”You think I don’t know what a PFA is you fucking asshole, I’m a goddamned lawyer.”
“Mel, I know you know what it is, I just wanted you to understand your rights, so I need you to leave, why don’t you just go home, and tomorrow we can…”
“Carl, shut the fuck up.”
“Mel, look, why don’t you and I talk outside.” Ben tried.
“Right, like you’re gonna help, you’re trying to take my kid away.”
“Mel, no one’s trying to do anything right now, we’re just trying to save you from getting arrested.”
“Save me? You’re trying to save me? Well, what the fuck do I need saving from? Lindz, why don’t you and I go outside and talk, this whole thing has gotten too fucking ridiculous.”
Lindsay was about to take a step forward when Emmett held her hand, he didn’t pull her back, or restrain her, he simply offered his support. Lindsay gratefully accepted, squeezing Emmett’s hand tightly.
“Mel, I can’t do that. I’m sorry.”
“Melanie, I have to ask you to leave or I’m going to have to arrest you.” Carl said softly, trying not to upset the woman any further. Melanie glared at him, and eventually turned and stormed off.
“Well, that was…bracing.” Emmett said.
Lindsay sat on the sofa and bit her lip, forcing herself not to cry. “I’m sorry, to all of you.”
“What the fuck is you apologizing for? She’s the raving lunatic.” Deb said.
“Well, I didn’t mean to ruin your dinner, and it was lovely Deb, it really was, I’m just so sorry that you all had to…”
“Lindz, it’s okay, it’s not your fault.” Lindsay looked at Ben and wished she could believe him.
We’d better go she made a move to head upstairs and collect Gus and JR but Ben stopped her. “I think I’d really like you to stay with Michael and me tonight, I don’t like to think about you being all alone.”
Lindsay smiled, “I’m sure we’ll be just fine.”
“Honey, are you really sure, she looked pretty angry.” Emmett asked.
Lindsay smiled again trying to look determined and brave. She looked scared, and pleading. “Stay with us Lindz.” Michael watching Mel leave from the window had returned, with JR, Gus trailing behind him.
“Maybe just for tonight. Brian and Justin will be back tomorrow and…” Lindsay trailed off, not really sure what Brian and Justin’s return had to do with any of it.
“Well now that we’ve got that settled, who wants some fucking dessert?” Debbie asked.
“Ooh me” Ted answered and they all returned to the table for coffee, and cake and each of them tried in their own way to make Lindsay feel better, and for the most part it worked.
NEW YORK
Brian woke Justin up an hour before they had to be at the gallery. He’d been sleeping fitfully but sleeping and Brian wasn’t particularly happy about having to wake him but he actually did have a contractual obligation to be there.
Justin was groggy, and rubbed his eyes, Brian handed him some clothes. “C’mon sunshine, your adoring public awaits.”
Justin yawned. “Can’t they await for a little while longer?”
“The sooner you do this, the sooner we can get home.”
Brian would love to keep Justin in New York, specifically in this hotel room for longer than a couple of nights, somehow, he seemed to sleep a little better here, but he knew that Justin was anxious to get back, and he was a bit anxious himself about leaving Lindsay on her own for too long.
Justin put on the black pants and turtleneck Brian had handed him.
“Christ, when was the last time you got a haircut?” Brian asked, his hair was getting long again, and between the blonde locks and the black turtleneck, Justin's face looked even paler and more drawn.
Justin shrugged, “I think it was before I moved to New York, so like, seven months, why, does it look bad?”
Brian nodded in that manner he had that meant the entirely opposite, and Justin smiled. “I don’t have to stay for the whole show this time, I just have to be there to chat. Promise me we can come back early.”
“Sure.”
Justin was still shaking when they got out of the cab a block from the studio. Brian had pretty much assumed Justin’s nerves would hit him hardest right before the show, which is why he’d left them some time before they were due.
He pulled Justin close to him, kissing the top of his head, and felt the smaller mans body trembling against his. He knew it was more than nerves, and vowed to himself that Justin was going to see a doctor as soon as they got back. Justin leaned his head back and Brian kissed him. Justin's arms snaked around Brian's neck, pulling him down for a deeper kiss.
“You ready?”
”To go home? Absolutely.”
”Lets go.”
And Brian pulled him towards the gallery, opening the door and watching as Justin circulated, smiling and talking to the patrons.
Brian looked at Justin's work happy not to see himself staring back from a 10-foot canvas this time. Instead they were showing three distinctly different works. The first was an abstract portrait or at least at seemed to be at first glance but as you moved closer you saw that each square was a smaller picture, a smile, a hand, an outstretched arm, it was an amazing piece.
The second was the Pittsburgh skyline, but from an odd angle, as if it were done by someone lying on the street looking directly up, the buildings seemed higher, and to be closing in on you. It was powerful. The third was apparently one of the ones recently delivered, it was smaller, a study in texture and form, light and shadow it was… Brian smiled, stepped back, turned his head to the side, and laughed, it was upside down, and it was his knee, he recognized the small black line from when he’d fallen off his bike onto gravel when he was 8, Justin had painted his knee.
Brian’s gaze moved around the room and found Justin, their eyes met, and Brian raised his eyebrows suggestively. Justin's fake smile became real.
About an hour later Justin took Brian's wrist and said, “lets go.”
“Are you sure?”
“Couldn’t be more sure.”
They had almost made it to the door when Ranston stopped them. “Justin, it was great to see you. Can we speak for a moment?”
”I guess.”
Justin walked back into the room with the older man. Brian stood where he was, watching Justin’s face as they spoke.
A few minutes later they were outside hailing a cab.
“What did he want?”
“Nothing much, he got all the pieces in, undamaged, which we already knew, and he said that after looking at them, he was surprised.”
“Good surprised?”
“Yeah, I guess it’s good, apparently most artist’s first shows, well, a lot of the work is utter crap, and so they ask for a lot more than they need, because you know, to fill a gallery, well, he said that he wasn’t aware that so many of the pieces I’d be submitting would be so large in scale, plus, he said the stuff was good, so he doesn’t really need anything more for the show.”
Brian looked at Justin, ignoring the passing cabs now.
“So you’re done?”
Well, I mean if I want to submit more, they’ll be happy to show it, but yeah, he feels confident that they have enough to fill the gallery and that most of it will sell.” Justin swallowed hard.
“So you’re done.”
“I think I’m done.”
Brian smiled, it was that same stupid smile he’d had the day Justin had told him he was back, when they had breakfast at the diner. It was creeping Justin out a little. Brian picked Justin up and kissed him hard. “We should celebrate, this is quite an accomplishment.”
“Yeah, I guess so.”
Brian looked at him. “You’d rather just go to sleep wouldn’t you?”
Justin melted against him. “Yes.”
Brian smiled even wider, “lets get our stuff and get out of this hick town.”
They were on the next flight back to Pittsburgh. Brian called the hotel and had them forward their belongings. Neither of them felt like stopping to pack.
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