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The End Done Right
by Vamphile
Chapter Nineteen
By the time Justin and Brian actually returned to the house they were both too wired to sleep so they found other ways to occupy themselves, and eventually they both drifted off, entangled in the sheets and each other.
Justin awoke a few hours later, it was almost six am. He pulled on a pair of jeans and locked the studio door behind him as he tried to focus on what to do next.
There was nothing to do. The show was done, there were other works he’d planned, but he just couldn’t seem to motivate himself to begin any of them.
He left the studio a few hours later not quite sure what to do with himself.
Brian awoke to an empty bed. He looked at the clock, it was just after 8. He’d gotten a call from Michael last night, which had given him the gist of what had happened at Deb’s house. He was glad Lindsay was staying with them. He figured she’d be back this afternoon sometime.
He pulled on a pair of jeans and headed downstairs. He was surprised to find Justin in the kitchen.
“You want something for breakfast?” Justin asked him as he poured two cups of coffee.
Brian shrugged. “I’ll make eggs.”
Brian watched as Justin made two omelets, and put them both down on the table. When Justin returned with toast and sat down Brian tried to hide his surprise. He did a lousy job.
“Would you stop looking at me like that, I told you I’d be better once I finished the work for the show. I finished the work for the show.” Justin punctuated the sentence by shoving a healthy forkful of eggs into his mouth.
Brian took a bite of his own omelet. “Not bad.”
Justin smiled and Brian felt a part of him that had been knotted tightly for the past few months start relax.
“So what do you want to do today?”
Brian chewed thoughtfully. “Today would be a great day to read the paper, and take a nap.
“Since when do you nap?”
”Since I feel like neither of us has actually slept in months.”
“We could pick up Gus and Lindsay and JR and go to Hershey Park”
Brian simply looked at Justin
“Valid point, bad idea.”
Brian didn’t really have to say anything; he just wasn’t an amusement park kind of person.
“We could argue over what we’re going to do about the parlor.”
“Library.”
“Sitting room?”
”Back room.”
“Home office?”
”Dungeon.”
Justin laughed, and the knot inside Brian's chest unknotted a little bit more.
“We could actually figure out what’s in those boxes.”
“Nothing, I’ll call someone and have them donated to charity.”
“You know you can’t do that until you at least get your personal stuff out of there.”
“I could have it all hauled away as trash.”
“Brian, there’s probably stuff in there worth keeping.”
Brian shrugged, “If I haven’t missed any of it yet, I don’t see when I might.”
Justin yawned.
“What time did you wake up?”
”Little before six.”
”So you got a whopping two and a half hours of sleep.”
“It’s good to be young, I understand as you get older, you need more sleep.” Justin nodded knowingly at Brian. “It’s okay, I understand, you’re slowing down.” He put a sympathetic hand on Brian's
Brian gave him a look that shut him up quickly.
“We could promise to have an entire day of not nagging.”
“I don’t nag.”
“Right, perpetual reminders, they’re very different from nagging because…” Justin looked at him questioningly “How are they different from nagging again, I always forget.”
Brian laughed. And stood up, taking Justin's hand, “why don’t you and I take advantage of the fact that there is no Gus, no Lindsay, no JR, no friends, no family, no work in the studio to get back to, no calls from Cynthia to return…” he had already removed Justin's shirt and was beginning to work on his pants when Justin's hands slipped under his shirt.
The next several hours were spent christening parts of the house they had missed at other times in their endeavors to make every spot of this house their home.
They were finally spent, sweaty, exhausted, and naked, leaning against the couch in the great room and surveying the damage they’d done to the dining room, the table runner was crumpled in a corner somewhere, and several of the chairs were lying like fallen soldiers on the floor.
“I may have to re arrange my top ten list to add today.”
Justin laughed, I’ve given up trying to keep track. He looked up at Brian, “How many of your top ten were with me.”
Brian seemed to consider this for a minute. “At least one, IF I rearrange the list to add today.”
Justin laughed and elbowed him in the chest lightly. “Asshole.”
“We should have Daphne and that guy she’s seeing over for dinner.”
”We should?” Justin knew that Brian hated dinner parties, so him bringing up the topic was more than surprising.
“And maybe Michael and Ben, I think we technically owe them dinner.”
“Brian Kinney are you going all domestic on me?”
”No, I’m just thinking that there are a lot of people who would be happy to see your re-entrance into humanity after your brief period as a recluse.”
“I was not a recluse.”
”36 hours straight in the studio, three hours sleep, bottle of water, pack of cigarettes, repeat.”
”I was not that bad.”
Brian shrugged, invite them over for tomorrow.
“Really? You’re sure.”
”No, I changed my mind.”
Justin got up to make the calls, which would have been easier if Brian weren’t standing behind him and nibbling on his neck as he extended the invitations.
Once he was off the phone with Daphne, Michael and Ben had accepted their invitation, and promised to bring Hunter to watch the kids so Lindsay could join them, he turned his full attention back to Brian.
Mmmmmm, I’ve missed this, he was licking Brian's nipple, swirling his ever-talented tongue.
“My tit? It’s been right here.” Brian arched his back, reveling in the feel of Justin's mouth.
Justin leaned back, looking up at him “Brian, do me a favor.”
“Mmmmmm?”
”Shut up.”
“Mmmmmm”
And a few of the kitchen chairs joined their fallen comrades in arms on the floor.
Brian finally coaxed Justin back to bed, where they did nothing more interesting than sleep, for most of the day. It was well after five before they both decided that fighting their hunger was no longer a viable option.
They ordered a pizza, and ate it in front of the TV, watching the movie Diner.
“I can’t believe you’ve never seen this film.”
“It was made like the year I was born.”
“No, it wasn’t but even so, it’s a classic.”
“I don’t get it.”
”Shut up and watch.”
“The entire left side of the menu?”
”Classic.”
They sat in silence through the rest of the movie
“Good casting though.”
“Mmmmmm hmmm”
“Somewhere around 8 they saw the lights come on in Lindsay's house.”
“I’m gonna go help her tuck Gus in, Brian said, pulling on a pair of jeans and pushing his feet into a pair of shoes. Still shirtless he walked across the lawn to see how Lindsay was doing.
A few minutes after Brian left it happened.
Justin's heart started racing, his body felt as if it were tensed into one giant cramp. He made it to the bathroom just in time as the pizza came back up. He didn’t know what to do. He sat on the bathroom floor, crying.
Everything was fine. The show was done, the party was done, Brian was okay, he was okay, he and Brian were okay together, why was he suddenly so horribly scared. He couldn’t stop the tears. He couldn’t stop shaking, he couldn’t breathe.
He stayed there, hiding in the guest bathroom for a while, and when he finally pulled himself together enough to splash cold water on his face and took a couple of ragged breaths, he realized that it was probably just a reaction to so much food, and so much relaxation after being so stressed for so long. He wanted to laugh at himself for having gotten so scared, but he wasn’t quite ready to laugh yet.
He was ready to go back to sleep however and that’s where Brian found him when he returned from Lindsay’s a little over an hour later, asleep in bed.
Brian, who had been sleeping significantly more than Justin over the past few months wasn’t quite ready for sleep and so busied himself with a project he was hoping he wouldn’t need, as he researched a few of Justin's symptoms, wondering if there was a reasonable explanation for his behavior or if the kid might just be going insane.
It was after midnight when Brian finally lay down in bed. Only a moment after he slid his body beneath the sheets Justin seemed to sense his presence and curled up around him. And Brian felt Justin’s even breathing against his chest and exhaled slowly, falling asleep within minutes.
Justin had gone to bed at around nine thirty, so when he looked at the clock and saw that it was 11:30 he wasn’t surprised. When he finally came to, and realized that it was 11:30 am he was concerned.
He jumped in the shower, moving quickly.
He pulled on a pair of clean but paint encrusted cargo pants, and an equally paint covered t-shirt. He sat on the bed, to put on socks and finished tying his sneakers. He looked for his wallet and couldn’t find it, trying to retrace his steps he realized the last place he’d had it was the hotel.
“I need money.”
Brian just looked at him.
“I left my wallet in the hotel room and we’ve got people coming for dinner and nothing to feed them. Give me your credit card so I can go grocery shopping.”
“I’ll go with you.” Brian stood up
“I’m fine, I just don’t have my wallet.”
“And I have mine, let’s go.”
“Brian you’re a pain in the ass at the supermarket, I don’t have time for this, just give me the fucking credit card.”
“I’m a pain in the ass at the supermarket. Who can’t make a decision between vermicelli and linguine?”
“Fuck you, I’m… deliberate about my choices, you just throw anything into the cart and then we don’t eat half of it.”
Brian was about to say something, reminding Justin that he wasn’t the one who didn’t eat, but had sworn off the nagging for a while, especially after yesterday. Justin had eaten, and slept and obviously was feeling better.
Brian shrugged, “we’re out of Pom juice, Pelligrino and bread.”
“Whole grain or 12 grain.”
”Why don’t you deliberate, and decide for us.”
Justin smiled and kissed his nose. “You’re still an asshole.”
Brian handed Justin his debit card. “Get yourself some cash too, if you don’t have your wallet, we probably won’t get it back for a couple more days.”
Justin shrugged, he had no intention of taking Brian's money, but that was an argument for another day. He didn’t mind when Brian paid for things, especially since it was true that his art supplies for the show had been expensive, and no matter how quickly he got to the check, Brian was always just that much faster, but he had never asked Brian for cash, even when he really needed it, and now that he didn’t he just wasn’t going to get in the habit of counting on Brian for everything.
He pulled out of the driveway, and realized he’d forgotten about Lindsay. He gave her a quick call. “Hey, I’m going food shopping, you need anything?”
”No, we’re all set here, but thanks for asking.”
“You doing okay?”
”Yeah, I’m fine, we’re all fine.”
“You’re coming for dinner tonight right?”
”I’m not sure, if I feel up to it I’ll be there.”
”Please come.”
”Well, it sounds like it’s going to be a couples thing and…”
Justin laughed, “Daphne has been with this guy…Brad, Chad, something like that, for all of five months, they’re hardly a couple, and Michael and Ben, are well, Michael and Ben, and if you don’t come I’m going to tell Brian that he is having a “couple’s thing” and then he’ll go off and get drunk and leave me and it’ll be all your fault.”
Lindsay laughed, “Fine, for the sake of your relationship with Brian I’ll be there.”
”And Lindz, for the sake of my relationship with Brian…don’t ever say that I have a relationship with Brian in front of him.”
Lindsay laughed again, “you know, I think he actually is aware of it now.”
“Doesn’t mean he likes to admit it in public.”
“Point taken.”
“You sure you don’t need anything?”
”Well, if you’re going to be at the store, a box of cheerios, and some whole milk wouldn’t be completely unwelcome.”
“Lindz, you don’t even have a car, are you sure you don’t need anything else?”
“No, I’m fine, and I’m getting my car back soon.”
”Fine, cheerios, and milk.
“Oh and white bread and American cheese.”
”Okay now I’m going to have to start making a list.”
“I’m sorry.”
”And I’m kidding, white bread, American cheese, cheerios, and milk. Do you want any grown up food, or is everyone eating like a toddler in the house?”
Justin knew Lindsay well enough to know that she’d ask for what Gus or JR needed, but she’d never admit to wanting something for herself. “Never mind, I’ll bring you a few things, at least until you get your car.”
“Thanks Justin.”
”Anytime, hey, did you hear the news, I’m done working on stuff for the show.”
”Brian told me, you know that’s really impressive.”
”You’re still coming right?”
”Hey, I practically discovered you, do you think I’d miss this?”
”Good, I need at least one friendly eye in the crowd.”
“I think there will be more than one.”
“It’s still nerve wracking to think about, I mean, my stuff is easily overlooked against some of the other artists works that they show, but this will be, ALL my stuff, I mean NOTHING but my stuff…”
“Justin, your work is amazing, and powerful, and from what I hear, not so easily ignored, I heard almost everything you’ve shown has sold.”
“Yeah, except for Brian's knee.”
Lindsay laughed, “You painted Brian's knee? The one with the scar he hates?”
“Yeah, and they hung it upside down. Maybe that’s why no one bought it.”
Lindsay was trying to stop laughing. “Why exactly did you paint his knee?”
”It was an exercise in texture and shading.”
”Pfft, you were sketching and his knee was in your line of vision.”
“And that.”
Lindsay was still laughing when Justin said goodbye to her and parked in front of the huge grocery store. It wasn’t until he was actually there that he realized he had no idea what he was serving for dinner.
Two hours later he pulled back into the garage, the car loaded down with groceries. Brian appeared to help him carry in most of the bags.
“These three need to go to Lindz’s, can you take them over? I want start marinating the chicken for dinner.”
Brian looked at his watch. Dinner’s not for six hours.
“I want to get started, I want everything to be…”
“Perfect?”
”Yes, now take the milk over to Lindz before it’s cottage cheese.”
Lindsay met him at the door, and took two of the bags out of Brian's hands just in time to keep him from dropping them as Gus launched himself into his father’s free arm.
“Hey sonny-boy.”
“Daddy, guess what? Me and Sam were at the ocean and we saw a big lizard and after it went swimming we brought it home and mom said we couldn’t keep it and made us take it back to the ocean but it followed us home anyway cause Sam and Shelby are gonna keep it.”
Brian looked up at Lindsay waiting for a translation.
“The pond, behind the old barn, Gus has decided it’s the ocean. They saw a frog, we took it back, but now apparently Sam, his dog Shelby, and the frog are living happily together.”
”And I still shouldn’t be worried?”
“Your son has a very active imagination, it’s the sign of a creative mind.”
“If you say so.”
”Brian, Justin is too sweet.”
Lindsay was unloading grocery bags in the kitchen, Brian was sitting on the floor with Gus and his trucks, JR had sat down leaning against Brian's chest as he lay on his side. He looked up at her comment with questioning eyes.
I asked for milk and bread, she waved her hand displaying the vast array of things that weren’t milk and bread that Justin had sent over with Brian. Brian laughed.
“He takes care of people.”
”Everyone but himself.”
“I think he’s doing better, at least I hope he is.”
”You’re really worried about him.”
“I was.”
”We all were.”
”Now you’re not?”
”We trust you Brian, you won’t let him fall too far.”
Brian stood up abruptly. “I’ve got to get back, I’ll see you tonight?”
”Of course.”
He kissed her, and put JR back down on the play rug with Gus. “You take care of your sister okay?”
“I always do daddy.”
Brian kissed the top of Gus’s head, fished a cigarette out of his pocket and smoked it while he wandered around the property.
“We all trust you Brian, you won’t let him fall too far.” They were fucking stupid. Why would anyone trust him? Brian tried not to be angry but he couldn’t help it. Fuck them, fuck Justin and his unwillingness to take care of himself, fuck Deb and Ben and Lindsay and Jennifer and anyone else who thought it was his job to take care of Justin, who thought he could do it. Who told them he could do it? The more he thought about it the angrier he got, what if Justin had fallen, what if the work hadn’t been “perfect” what if he had finished the work too late and had actually collapsed? Why was everyone so sure he had the answers? Brian ran his hand through his hair and suddenly regretted the spur of the moment dinner party decision. He regretted it more when he got back to the house and found Justin setting the table. It was 3:00 dinner wasn’t for five hours.
“You really think people are going to be here that early?”
”Shut up, I just wanted to get this out of the way so I could get started on dinner prep.”
“You’re cooking something that takes five hours?”
”No you freak, but I need to wash the endive for the salad, and chop the garlic and vegetables for the…”
Brian shrugged, “do whatever you have to.” And went to the den where he rolled himself a joint, and got slowly mellowly stoned while seething inside at everyone who had decided that this was up to him to fix.
Dinner actually went well, Justin was surprised by Daphne’s new boyfriend, he wasn’t the type she usually went for, he was…well he was nice to her, which was a change from most of the guys she’d been dating and he was also relatively smart and charming. He and Ben seemed to have quite a bit in common as the evening wore on. Lindsay seemed to be in a good mood, and Justin was feeling like he might just make it though the evening without falling apart.
Brian was watching Justin carefully, he kept moving during the entire meal, constantly getting up to get something he’d forgotten, or clearing away dishes, he never stopped and he never ate.
After dinner Justin suggested coffee and desert in the great room, and he went into the kitchen to start the coffee. He finished putting the beans into the machine, and setting it to brew, and then ground his teeth at the sound of the beans grinding. He turned away from it and knocked one of the dishes that had been sitting on the edge of the sink onto the floor. The plate shattered.
Justin stared at it, unable to focus, unable to breathe. His brain spun, the tears were flowing down his face and he had no idea why, he started to yell but he couldn’t seem to make a sound, instead he just picked up the entire stack of plates and threw them down with full force watching them shatter at his feet.
Brian heard the sound of a dish breaking and laughed, “fuck, he’s gonna make me go back to that stupid store and buy more dishes.”
Ben said something and they all chuckled and then he heard the louder crash of breaking glass and this time with more force. He moved quickly, and found Justin, tears streaming, his body shaking with the force of his sobs hurling dishes at the floor. Brian tried to step towards him but the look in Justin's eyes was frightening. “One fucking dinner party” Justin said, “I can’t even fucking get through one fucking dinner party.” He was practically keening doubled over as if in pain. His entire body wracked with each sob.
Michael and Daphne came to the kitchen to see what was wrong; Brian motioned them away. Michael tried to take a step forward. Brian glared at him.
“Get the fuck out.” They all filed out of the house rather quickly, not sure what was going on but somewhat sure that Brian was better equipped to handle it than they were. Lindsay took in the kitchen scene and wasn’t sure at all. While it was easy to focus on Justin and the pain he was clearly experiencing, she knew the look in Brian's eyes too well to ignore it. He had shut down. His face was blank. He took a step forward. “Justin.”
“Fuck off Brian.”
“Justin, just…”
Brian looked down as he stepped on a shattered piece of glass and noticed Justin wasn’t wearing shoes. Justin had smashed the coffee pot and the steaming brew was pooling around his bare feet, as well as broken dishes and, Christ, was that blood? He tried to think. Justin rarely if ever wore shoes in the house, but had he actually served dinner without them? The floor was covered in shards of glass and pottery and he wasn’t sure what was next. Justin was still crying, still yelling, telling him, them to go away. Brian looked and suddenly noticed that Lindsay hadn’t left.
Justin inwardly was trying to pull himself together, he felt as if he were imploding. He’d left a plastic plate on a hot burner once, and it had melted inwards, it’s how he felt now, as if he were melting into himself, as if everything were closing in on him. He tried to focus and was suddenly as intent on cleaning up the mess he’d just made as he had been on creating it, but he was doing it automatically.
Brian watched Justin take a step forward not seeming to notice that he was walking barefoot over broken glass.
“Justin.” Brian tried to keep his voice calm. Justin was kneeling on the floor now sweeping together the broken pieces that were near him with his hands. “Justin.” Brian tried again, but Justin backed away, putting his hand down on a piece of broken coffee pot, the hot glass cut into him and Brian saw the blood. There seemed to be a lot of it. He was starting to really panic. Brian realized that the glass had cut Justin's wrist. The blood began to pool next to the crying man on the floor mixing with the hot coffee and broken glass.
“Justin.” Brian took a step towards him again, “you’re hurting yourself.”
Justin’s eyes were blank. “Brian?”
There were tears streaming down his face but his body now seemed to be still, his shaking had stopped, the body wrenching sobs had stopped, but the tears continued to flow.
Justin suddenly became aware of his surroundings, became aware of what he’d done. All he had wanted was to make Brian happy; he looked up and saw Brian's eyes, and there was emotion there, but nothing that resembled happiness. He tried to breathe but the he couldn’t seem to pull in any oxygen. He just wanted to apologize, to leave, to give Brian what he wanted, which was not to be responsible for him anymore. He stood up, his hand was wet, he wiped it on his pants and started to run.
Brian watched Justin stand up, he seemed cognizant now, aware of his surroundings, and then he bolted.
Brian took two long strides noticing that Justin was leaving bloody footprints on the floor and a trail of deep burgundy dots as the blood dripped down his hand and off of his finger. Brian was about to say something when Justin turned around to look at him. Suddenly his eyes seemed to roll back in his head and he crumpled to the floor.
Brian watched, unable to move, he wanted to catch him, to keep him from falling but he was just out of reach and it happened so fast. He was down on the hard marble of the foyer before Brian could prevent it. His body seemed to almost bounce from the force of the landing. He picked Justin up, and carried him to the bedroom where he pulled lifted Justin's hand, which was still bleeding profusely. He was relieved to see that while he had cut his palm, he had not in fact done any damage to his wrist or any major arteries. He pulled the piece of glass out, and grabbed a towel to stop the bleeding.
Justin! This time he was yelling. The kid was out cold.
“I’ll call an ambulance” it was Lindsay.
Justin opened his eyes. “I’m fine, I’m just tired. I’m sorry I ruined dinner Brian.”
“I think he needs a doctor Brian.”
Brian looked at her, not knowing how or why he knew that the last thing Justin needed right now was to be pushed into an ambulance and rushed to the hospital. He just shook his head, and took a somewhat shaky breath.
“We’ll be okay Lindz, just…”
She nodded and closed the door behind her, not at all sure either one of them would be okay, but trusting Brian to make the right decision.
Justin looked up. “Everyone left?”
“Mmmmmm hmmm.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Me too.”
Justin wanted to ask him what he was sorry about but he was too tired.
He wanted to ask why Brian wouldn’t let go of his hand, but he was too tired.
He wanted to ask if Brian still loved him but he was too scared. He wasn’t sure he could take the answer right now.
“Brian.”
“Yes?”
”I’m really tired.”
”I know sonny-boy”
“I’m gonna go to sleep.”
”Okay.”
Justin turned his head to the side and closed his eyes. Brian felt his heart actually stop. He was so pale. He looked dead. He laid his hand lightly across Justin's chest, feeling the comforting rise and fall of his breathing, and the soft thump of his heart beating and he let out the breath he had been unaware he was holding. When he was sure that Justin was just sleeping and not unconscious, when he had checked his head to make sure he hadn’t hit it against the floor when he fell, when he had made sure the bleeding had stopped both on his feet and from the cut on his hand he took off his sweater and jeans and lay his head on Justin's chest, dozing to the sound of Justin's heart beating in his ear.
Tomorrow there was a lot to do. There were doctors and conversations and apologies and promises, but tonight there was just the very reassuring sound of Justin's heart still beating.
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