Church | Hymns | Psalms | Testify
This site is not intended for those under 18 years of age.
The End Done Right
by Vamphile
Chapter Twenty
Justin woke up sure he was dying. “I’m having a heart attack,” he thought to himself as he tried to take a deep breath, it felt as if his entire body was pinned under a heavy weight. Eventually he realized that it was Brian.
Brian's head was lying heavily on Justin's chest, his arms draped over Justin's frame, one leg tossed casually across his ankles effectively pinning him to the bed.
“Brian.”
Justin tried to push at him but he felt a sharp pain in his hand and some of the previous evenings events came back to him. Justin tried to figure out what to do next. Apparently Brian’s response had been to simply trap him in bed, which, under other circumstances might be fun, but right now Justin was starting to panic, a feeling he wasn’t interested in revisiting any time soon.
“Brian!” louder this time.
Brian lifted his head. “Mmmmfff?”
“Brian get off of me.” Justin tried again to push him off but winced as he tried to use his left hand.
Brian sat up quickly. He took Justin's arm by the wrist and pulled his hand, palm up, to examine the wound. It wasn’t bleeding anymore but he wondered if he should have taken Justin to get stitches.
Justin, finally free of Brian's dead weight tried to stand up, but suddenly sat again as he felt a sharp pain in his foot.
“What the fuck?”
Brian watched Justin's somewhat feeble attempts at getting out of bed, or moving at all, and his concern from last night flooded back to him.
“Sit the fuck down.”
Justin had one of his legs resting on the opposite knee and was examining the bottom of his foot.
“Well I have to sit down, at least until I figure out what the hell I just stepped on, I think it’s still in my foot.”
Brian leaned over the edge of the bed and examined the floor, he didn’t see anything, and then he turned his attention to the bottom of Justin's foot. There were several cuts and scrapes on his foot and toes. As Brian turned on the bedside lamp he saw a few quick glimmers and realized that there was still glass in it. He sighed.
Less than five minutes later Brian was standing in front of Justin, holding a clean pair of jeans and t-shirt in front of his face. “Change, we’re going to the doctors.”
“I don’t need a doctor, I need tweezers, and maybe a pin or something.”
“Did it sound like a question?”
Justin looked up at Brian and for the first time noticed his expression, it was dark, and he was working on blank, but he wasn’t accomplishing it very well at the moment.
“Brian, seriously I just…”
“Put on clean clothes, or you’re going to the doctor covered in blood and coffee.”
Justin looked down at his pants, and saw that they were ruined, they were stained and there was a tear in the leg, and little spots of blood at the knees. “Fuck, I’m sorry Brian, these were expensive.”
”Yeah, I’m very upset that you ruined a pair of pants. Now get dressed.”
Brian was on the phone his back turned to Justin.
“Brian I…”
Brian shot a look over his shoulder that made Justin think twice about protesting. He silently pulled off the old pants, and noticed that his knees were speckled with blood. As he ran his hand over the scabs he felt that there was a piece of glass still there, he tried to pick it out, but his fingernails were so bitten and ragged all he ended up doing was opening the scab and causing his knee to bleed again.
Brian finished his phone call and turned around in time to see Justin picking at his knee. His grabbed Justin's wrist, not hard, but firmly.
“Put your fucking clothes on or I’m taking you there naked.”
Justin looked up, trying to give Brian a flirtatious smile but he was apparently in no mood.
When Justin was dressed he stood up, and tried to walk, limping in different variations as he tried to find an angle for each foot that didn’t make it feel as if he were driving the glass deeper into his flesh. Brian watched for a couple seconds as Justin tried to ensure that the glass buried itself further into his feet and finally sighed. He grabbed Justin's sneakers with one hand and picked Justin up, flinging him over his shoulder with the other, and walked them both down to the car. Justin was still protesting when Brian actually walked past the garage.
“Look at the floor Justin…that’s your blood. He took a few steps further and turned so that Justin could see the kitchen floor. He said nothing else. He sat Justin in the car, fastened his seatbelt for him in the same way he would for Gus and then got in the drivers seat, lit a cigarette, pulled out of the garage and headed towards the doctors office.
Justin was silent. Brian glanced over and he was in deep concentration bending his left wrist back as far as it would go, and examining the cut on his hand. Brian saw it reopen and he took Justin by the wrist again “Stop that.”
They made the rest of the drive in silence. Justin wanted to apologize, but he knew it was too late for that. There were a lot of things he knew he wanted to say but he wasn’t ready, not yet.
Brian was lost in his own thoughts. He didn’t want to sit in an emergency room, so he had called one of the few doctors he knew who could be discreet. It was where he’d gone the first time he’d ever thought he had gonorrhea. It had turned out to be nothing but he’d remained his primary care physician for years. And right now, he just needed someone who could check Justin out physically.
They pulled into the parking lot in silence and Justin opened his door. Brian leaned over him and pulled the door shut.
“We’re going to go in there, we’re gonna get you cleaned up, stitched up, whatever, and you’re not going to argue or be a general twat about it.” It wasn’t a question, or a request. It was a demand.
Justin nodded, head down. Brian leaned over and kissed him. “You scared me last night.” He whispered.
Justin looked up surprised. “I’m sorry.”
Brian sighed, “Would you quit apologizing. Now wait there, I’ll be around to get you.”
“Brian I can walk in.”
“Without shoes?”
Brian held up his shoes with a taunting smile and then walked around to the other side of the car.
Justin was embarrassed but the office was empty and the nurse sent them right back to an exam room. Justin sat on the crinkly paper, and Brian hopped up on the table and sat behind him, flipping his leg so that he was straddling the table he pulled Justin back against his chest. “You okay in there?” he whispered into the top of Justin's head.
”Yeah, I’m just embarrassed.”
Brian smiled and gave a half laugh, “yeah well you probably should be.”
Justin wiped a tear. “I’m so…”
“If you say you’re sorry I’m going to create a whole new bruise for the doctor to look at.” He said it quietly, and Justin opened his mouth again to apologize, but apologizing for apologizing wasn’t going to make Brian any less upset with him right now so he shut his mouth again.
The nurse came in, asked a few basic questions and took Justin's temperature, and blood pressure.
A few minutes later the doctor walked in.
“Hey Brian.”
“Hey doc”
“Justin, would you like Brian to stay, he can leave if you’d be more comfortable.”
Brian shot the doctor daggers with his eyes but the Dr. McKenzie ignored him. “Brian will you stay?” Justin asked.
Brian shrugged against Justin's back; he hadn’t released his arm, which was still holding the blonde against him. “Where’ve I got to go?”
Dr. McKenzie started by examining Justin's hand. Looking at it carefully he eventually pulled the wound together with three stitches and bandaged it well. He then began to ask questions about exactly how this had happened.
Brian felt Justin tense up against him, but he let Justin tell the story, he was actually kind of interested in hearing Justin's version.
Justin’s version, as it turned out, was an exercise in revisionist history and lies by omission, but Brian didn’t interrupt.
Justin finished with a shrug “So Brian made me come here to get my hand looked at.”
“Yeah, while we’re here, why don’t you check his feet, and his knees too, since they seem to have suffered as well in the…what was it you entitled last night, minor moment of insanity?”
Justin smiled, okay, so maybe it was more than just a moment, but I’m fine now.
Brian nodded.
“So stand up.”
Justin looked at him, and then looked down at the drop he’d have to make to get off the table, and frowned.
”Mmmmmm hmmm,” Brian turned his attention to the doctor. “Could you do me a favor and look at his feet.”
The doctor turned his attention to the bottom of Justin's feet, and after examining them under a lighted magnifying glass he swiped the bottoms with disinfectant, gave a shot of local anesthetic and went to work digging out the shards and slivers of glass.
Justin didn’t feel anything due to the shot, but he still couldn’t bear to watch. He turned his head and Brian held his hand over Justin's eyes for him. Trying not to laugh at the drama queen reaction.
When the doctor declared that he needed Justin to remove his pants so he could check on his knees Justin hesitated.
“My knees are fine”
“Twat.” Brian whispered softly into his ear.
Justin sighed and removed his pants, feeling somewhat embarrassed sitting in nothing but his underwear. The doctor checked the scrape on his thigh, and then he moved on to Justin's knees, which he cleaned gently, watching as the boy winced.
Brian tightened his grip a little around the waist, still saying nothing. The doctor repeated the procedure he’d done on Justin's feet, but without an anesthetic, as the cuts weren’t as deep.
He glanced up from his work once and wondered who was in more pain, Justin, who was wincing audibly, or Brian who looked as if he might simply scream at any moment. But they both made it through okay.
He moved on to listening to Justin’s heart rate etc. and glanced down at his chart. Now if you could just step on the scale for me.
Brian saw the mutinous look cross Justin's face, and set his jaw.
”You’ll be okay to stand now, and your feet should still be numb.”
Justin lowered himself off of the table slowly, and the doctor handed him his pants. Justin had been dreading this. He knew he’d lost some weight, but he really didn’t know, or want to know how much. He stepped on, holding his breath.
The Doctor set the scale, and couldn’t get a read; he moved the main bar lower, and finally got the scale to balance.
He measured his height and wrote that down too.
“I’d like to have some blood work done,” he looked at Brian, I know Justin doesn’t have insurance and some of these tests can be…”
Brian interrupted him. “Do what you have to do, I’ll pay for it.”
The doctor nodded, my nurse will be back in a moment to take the blood then Justin I’d like to talk to you in my office, Brian you can join us if Justin says it’s okay.
Brian had no intention of letting Justin say otherwise, but he just nodded.
While they waited for the nurse Justin tried. “Brian, I’ll be okay, he probably just wants to tell me that I should get an HIV test if I’m hanging around with you.”
“Three years since your last physical? You’re supposed to get tested every six months.”
Well, I didn’t count clinic blood tests when the nurse asked.
Brian shrugged; “they’re doing one anyway.”
After the nurse took the last vial of blood Justin stood back up, and felt his head start to spin. But he righted himself quickly and pushed his feet into the sneakers and socks that Brian had finally returned to him.
When they were both sitting in the office the doctor started to ask Justin some questions. “Have you been having trouble eating or sleeping lately?”
Justin was trying to crack the knuckles on his right hand but having difficulty because he usually did it with the palm of his left, which was now bandaged and still sore.
“I was, I was um…suffering some stress.”
Brian decided now was not the time to interrupt.
“I’m a little worried about your weight.”
“Well, I have been eating mostly junk…”
“No Justin, you’re not overweight, you’re pretty severely underweight. You’re currently tipping the scales at 118 lbs.”
Brian took a sharp intake of breath. “Jesus fucking Christ!”
“Brian calm down, we both knows I’ve lost weight, it’s okay, I’ll start eating better.”
The doctor nodded, that’s a start, but I’m concerned about the possibility of anemia, as you seem to have bruises that are clearly from last night’s incident but also a few older ones as well. The doctor then began to ask a series of extraordinarily personal questions that made Brian want to hit him in the face and Justin want the floor to open up and swallow him. When Dr. McKenzie was satisfied that Justin wasn’t in any immediate danger of being beaten or fucked to death, he wrote out a couple of prescriptions. One for a multi vitamin, one for Ambien, which he assured Justin was less addictive than Xanex and shouldn’t cause any allergy issues, but would help him actually achieve REM sleep.
Then he made the suggestion that Brian was hoping for and Justin was dreading.
“Justin, you’re obviously having some difficulties due to stress and some recent lifestyle changes. I would like to strongly recommend that you talk to a professional counselor about these issues.”
Justin said nothing, took the scrips and simply walked out. Brian paid the nurse at the front desk, and followed him to the car.
Brian drove and Justin tried to wipe the tears without Brian noticing.
“Allergies?”
“Yeah, something like that.”
“Why don’t you tell me what you’re thinking.”
“I’m thinking that I’m going to miss you.”
“Am I going somewhere?”
”Brian stop it.”
They were at a stoplight and Brian looked over at Justin. “Why are going to miss me?”
”Because I know that I have to leave, that you want me to leave. That I’m more responsibility than you want, or can handle.”
Brian's clenched his jaw and drove the rest of the way in silence.
Justin’s heart was breaking but he held back any more tears, trying to figure out where he was going to go.
When they finally got back to the house the remnants of the previous night were still obvious. Magdalena wasn’t due until Tuesday.
Brian took Justin by the wrist and walked him into the den. He sat him down on the sofa and started pacing in front of him. He was trying to collect his thoughts, he’d been trying to do this all morning, nothing had worked. He wanted to say something glib, something snide, something that would make how he felt clear without forcing the point, and finally he stopped and looked at Justin, who was still staring at his hands.
“I love you.”
Justin looked up. “What?”
”You’re gonna make me repeat it?”
Justin shook his head.
“I’m going to repeat it anyway, and I’m going to talk, actually talk to you, and you’re going to listen, okay?”
Justin was still looking at his hands, refusing to meet Brian's eyes.
Brian took a step closer, and put his hand under Justin’s chin, until they were looking at each other. “Okay?”
Justin nodded.
“Okay.” Brian took a deep breath, not sure how to start this, or where it would end.
“I love you.”
“You said that already.”
“Shut up, I said I’d talk and you’d listen. I want you to be okay. I want you to be happy, and healthy and understand that I don’t want or need perfect. I spent a long time trying to make everyone believe that what I wanted and needed was just me, and my ability to take care of myself. I spent a long time lying to a lot of people, mostly to myself, but Justin, you never let me lie to you, even when I tried, you called me on it. You’ve known how I feel about you, and what I need longer than I have. And you do a fucking fantastic job of providing me with everything I need when you’re taking care of yourself. That’s because…”
Brian stopped, trying to find the words, well better words, different words, words that weren’t this naked and raw, but he didn’t have any.
“Because the only thing I actually need is you. I don’t want you to leave, and in fact, I can’t let you leave because that’ll fucking end me, so drop that line of thinking right now. What I do need is for you to be okay, and I know you’re not.”
Justin looked up quickly about to deny that he was anything other than fine.
“Don’t fucking try to lie to me now, because I’m not going to accept the lies anymore. We’re going to do something new. We’re going to have rules that YOU are required to stick to. You’re going to eat, and you’re going to sleep, you’re going to take care of yourself and you’re not going to try to pretend that you’re okay when you’re not. You’re going to let me help and you’re going to let me take care of you while you can’t.” Justin tried to speak again and Brian put his hand up to stop him.
“I don’t know where or when you got this obsession with everything being perfect, and I don’t think that we can fix what’s broken in you in a single day, or with a single conversation, but we’re going to talk, honestly from now on. No more pretending that you’re fine, no more lying about what’s wrong, or how wrong it is. You’re fucked up. I get that. You’re scared. I get that too. But no more lying.”
There was silence and Brian kneeled between Justin's knees. “You can talk now,” he whispered.
Justin looked up. “I’m making you miserable.”
“No you’re not.”
”I’m making you worried.”
”Yes you are.”
”You shouldn’t have to worry about me.”
“I always have. I have worried about you since the first time I dropped you off at school and realized that you had to face an entire locker room full of boys who would happily kick your ass just for being who you are. I’ve had a million reasons to worry about you every day since then and I’ve pretended it didn’t matter. Pretended it didn’t hurt to watch you hurt, that I didn’t die a little when you didn’t need me. I’m fucked up, and pathetic but I like you being around, and I like taking care of you, and I like that you take care of me, and I do notice it, all the small things you do to make my life more comfortable, but you’re doing them at the expense of your own health, and that, I. Will. Not. Accept.”
“I love you so much Brian that it scares me.”
“Yeah, well it scares me too.”
“Are you sure you want me to stay.”
“Are you being dense on purpose?”
”I just don’t understand why you’d want a basket case like me around.”
“There’s lots of reasons, and the astounding blow jobs are just one. The others are a little more pathetic, and sappy.”
”Are you going to make me go to a shrink?”
”I can’t make you do anything, but I think you should, it won’t be like the useless fuck your mother took you to, but I want you safe, I want you healthy and I want you around, for a long time.”
“I’m not going anywhere if you don’t want me to.”
”But you’re killing yourself Justin. You don’t eat.”
”I’m not hungry.”
”I understand that but Justin, you’ve dropped a lot of weight, you’re hurting yourself, and not just last nights meltdown.”
“It was just an….”
“Don’t try to downplay it, I was there, you imploded and then collapsed, you had a Chernobyl level meltdown, you could have hurt yourself much more than you did. And even if you hadn’t, you’ve been spiraling for weeks, maybe even months.”
Brian picked up Justin's right hand, which was clenched in a fist. “Straighten your fingers.”
Justin did his best to flex his hand, biting his lip to hold back the wince; his fingers were stiff this morning.
“You’re lying right now. You won’t admit that hurts.”
“It’s not so bad.”
”Justin!”
Justin flinched from the sound.
“I’m sorry, I don’t mean to scare you, but this has to stop, the lying has to stop. You’re not okay; you’re not ‘fine’. You’re nowhere close to it, and that’s okay, but you have to stop with the fucking lies. You’re not protecting me from anything, and you’re hurting yourself trying to.”
“But if you know how fucked up I am, you won’t want me. You want pretty things, perfect things. You deserve the best.”
“You are pretty, you are the best, and no, you’re not perfect but hell, fuck if any of us are.”
Justin sat in silence for a moment.
Brian was trying to be open and honest, which were two of his least favorite things to do when it came to talking about emotions, but he couldn’t let Justin leave, he couldn’t have Justin not be here, and he had no idea how to convince the strongest person he knew that he needed his strength, and his imperfections, and his sunshine smile, and his annoying inability to decide on a type of pasta and his perfect ass, all of it in bed with him at night or he couldn’t sleep.
“I can’t sleep without you drooling on my shoulder.”
Justin smiled. “You really want me to stay, even if I’m crazy?”
”Justin, you are batshit insane, and I can’t live without you in my life.”
“You’re going to deny all of this later aren’t you?”
”Most of it, but the part where you eat, you sleep, and you don’t lie to me, those parts are staying.”
“What about the part where I give amazing blow jobs?”
”That parts true and you know it.”
“Why do you get to set all the rules?”
”Because I’m not the one with the multiple injuries from his recent eschewing of sanity.”
“You can’t just make rules for me, you’re not my dad.”
“No, I’m not, because unlike your dad I have a vested interest in your well-being. I actually care if you live or die. I also care if while you’re busy not dying you’re happy.” “Are you happy Justin?”
”Right now? Yeah. I think I am.”
“Are you going to stay with me?”
“Yes.”
“Are you going to take better care of yourself?”
“Do I have a choice?”
”No. ”Justin, I’m so sorry I let you fall so far, I should have caught you sooner.”
“It’s my fault Brian I…”
“Let’s not do the blame thing, just understand that I won’t let you fall again, I promise, but I can only keep that promise if you stop lying to me.”
“I never really lied.”
“Yes, you did, and lies by omission count.”
“I won’t lie to you again.”
“And I will listen when you try to tell me what’s wrong. I know I’m not the easiest person to talk to, but I’ll try.”
Justin bit his lower lip.
“What?”
”I just don’t want to bother you with my problems.”
”Justin, have you seen the kitchen? We’re out of dishes. You broke them all. Have you seen your hands, your knees, your feet? It bothers me more when you don’t tell me your problems.”
Brian leaned up and kissed Justin, moving his body until he was straddling Justin's lap, kissing him passionately, his hands in Justin's hair, feeling the blondes mouth respond to his, feeling his body respond to his.
Brian pulled back. “No more lying?”
”No more lying.”
“Promise me.”
“I promise, no more lying.”
“Okay then, want to go back to bed?”
Justin nodded. “But Brian, I’m not really tired.”
Brian laughed as he helped Justin up the stairs. “I didn’t say you had to start sleeping right now.”
And in fact it was quite a while before either of them drifted off into a sated sleep, and for the first time in a long time, not only did Justin feel truly safe again in Brian's arms, Brian truly felt as if he was able to keep Justin safe in his embrace.
Send feedback to vamphile @ gmail.com