Church | Hymns | Psalms | Testify
This site is not intended for those under 18 years of age.
The End Done Right
by Vamphile
Chapter Thirty-One
It was several hours before Brian came back to consciousness. His body ached, his head was throbbing again, and his shoulder was uncomfortable pressed against the sofa as he lay on his back. Justin was still asleep, wrapped around him and pressed against the back of the sofa. Even in sleep Justin had managed to avoid putting any undue pressure on his relocated shoulder. He grimaced and tried to extricate himself without waking the blonde. He found the bottle of pain pills on the coffee table and chased them with a pull straight from the bottle. “You’re really not supposed to take those with alcohol.”
“You’re awake.”
Justin nodded. “So, can we talk now?”
Brian was about to pull on his jeans when he saw they were muddy and bloodstained, he made a face and tossed them to the side.
“I’ll get you some sweats.” Justin pulled on his own pants and padded upstairs.
When he returned he tried to help Brian into them but the man stubbornly refused his assistance and pulled them on himself if somewhat less gracefully than usual. “So what’s all this shit about me leaving?”
Brian pinched the bridge of his nose, “you need to leave.”
“You keep saying that, and you know I’m not fucking going anywhere.”
“Yeah that’s the problem.”
”The problem?”
”You, you’re not going anywhere, you’re standing still, here, with me.”
“I thought that’s what you wanted.”
“Well, it’s not.”
Justin froze inside, he thought he might vomit but he held back the urge fighting off the anxiety he felt overtaking him.
“You don’t want me here?”
Brian sat down on the other side of the L shaped sofa, as far away from Justin as he could. “I don’t want you to end up like her.”
“Like who?”
”My mother.” Brian said it quietly, but the words hung in the air.
“Brian, I’m not a homophobic frigid religious freak, so I think we’re safe.”
“I’m a lot like my dad.”
“No, you aren’t”
“I am, and you’ll end up like her, hating me, with an empty life.”
Justin let out a mirthless laugh, “You think I have an empty life?”
Brian looked up at him, “You will if you stay.”
“I KNOW what an empty life is, I’ve experienced it.”
“Then you know you have to leave.”
Justin moved closer to Brian, moving his chin so that their eyes met. “No that’s how I know I have to stay.”
Brian looked confused.
“You think you’re like your dad, but you’re not, and you think I’m like your mom, but I’m not. You. Are. Wrong.”
Brian flinched at the words, no matter what state of mind, he hated being told he was wrong. “I’m not wrong, I know. I was there, I watched them.”
“First of all, you weren’t there, you left.” Brian's eyes looked at him, guiltily. “No, it’s good you left, it was what you needed to do, for you.”
“That’s the thing, I do what I need for me. I’m… selfish.”
Justin gave him a look “duh.”
“What are you doing with a selfish asshole?”
”Brian, I’m not going to let you beat yourself up like this, you go after what you want, it’s good, and it’s healthy. But you’re also the most generous person I know. And you know that too.”
Brian didn’t say anything. Justin stood up, trying to figure out how to explain this in terms Brian would hear. He paced for a minute and then he took Brian's old tack. “Okay this time, I’m going to talk and you’re going to listen.”
Brian’s eyes shot up about to protest but Justin pressed on.
“When I met you, I was a kid, a stupid kid, and you were right, I’d bought into the greeting card bullshit, of monogamy, and love and flowers and hearts and pretty words. And I wanted that, and I went for that, and I longed for that, and then I got that. And you were very very right, it was just bullshit, just words.”
Justin ran a hand through his hair, biting his thumbnail as he tried to find the right words. He sighed heavily. “Words don’t mean shit Brian, you and I both know that, but the thing I think you’ve forgotten is that I’m not that stupid kid anymore, I’m not 17, I’m not in high school. I’m not some pretty little twink who wants flowers on his birthday. What I want is real, it’s messy, and it’s you, and it’s Us and it’s what We have. Brian, I don’t give a shit who you fuck. I don’t care if you fuck all of Pennsylvania, or all of North America. I care who you love, and unless it’s changed since the last time I checked, that’s me.”
Justin waited, hoping Brian absorbed this. “Is it me?”
Brian didn’t say anything and Justin was shaking. “Brian?”
“Can I talk now?”
Justin smiled, “yes.”
“Yes. It’s you.”
“So what the fuck?”
“I don’t think I can be what you want.”
“You are what I want.”
“What if I change?”
“You have changed.”
“What if I change back?”
“You have changed back.”
“You’re not gonna leave are you?”
“No, I’m really not, you are out of tricks to get rid of me.”
“But I’m a lousy person, I’m a bad father, a bad son, a bad…Brian.”
“You know I have to kick the ass of anyone who says that about you, including you.”
“You’re gonna kick my ass?” Brian smirked.
Justin smiled and shrugged, “I might be able to in your current condition.”
Brian winced, “Yeah, I really did a number on myself huh?”
“You were trying to do worse.”
Brian just looked up at him, “You were trying to sabotage yourself, I know you, you’re brilliant at it, you don’t do anything half way.”
“Why didn’t you leave?”
“Because someone had to stay to clean up the mess you were gonna make.”
“That shouldn’t be your job.”
“Who’s then?”
“No one’s”
“So you are an asshole and deserve to be left alone to slowly kill yourself?”
Brian said nothing.
“Then I’m the selfish one” Justin whispered, “Because even if that’s what you want, I’m not going to let it happen.”
“Justin.”
”If you say one thing that even intimates that I’d be better off without you I’m going to have to do something very drastic.”
Brian smirked this time, “like what?”
“I’m going to make you drive the Element and I’ll get the new car.”
Brian shuddered, “No. Fucking. Way.”
“Then I suggest you accept a few things, one, I’m not leaving, two, I’m staying, and three, I’m going to be fucking you in about fifteen minutes, once we get upstairs.”
“Why so long?”
“Because you smell like a cross between the hospital and the Gravel Pit, and you need bath.”
“Shower.”
“Can’t get the cast wet, bath.”
Brian sighed. “Wait, you’re fucking me?”
“You owe me one.”
“I do?”
”Yeah, I’m not going to nag you incessantly about the hypocritical bullshit you laid on me about not drinking and driving when you then go and wrap the ‘vette around a tree.”
“Oh that, yeah, I guess I owe you one.”
“You owe me like a hundred, but I’ll settle for one right now, and then you’re taking tomorrow off.”
Brian tried to respond but Justin put his fingers on the older mans lips. “And then you’re going to pull yourself together a little bit more. You want to go to the clubs, the bars, the baths, fine, but you want to risk your life, your car, and the lives of others, I can’t let that happen.”
“Justin I…”
“Just shut up, Sorry’s bullshit, right now, and anything else you say will probably piss me off. So come take a bath like a good little patient, then let me fuck you into the sheets and tomorrow, we’ll do some research and figure out what kind of car you want.”
“I want another ‘vette.”
“Uh uh, no back seat, least fuckable space ever, and besides, it was ugly.”
“You’re talking to ME about ugly cars?”
“Yep, I’m telling you, if you’re not good, I’m getting you a Toyota echo.”
Brian laughed, the painkillers taking effect, and a weight lifted off his chest. “Fine.” Justin held up his part of the bargain and when they both collapsed on the bed, they were smiling.
“You should let me do that more often.”
“I thought you loved it when I fucked you?”
”Brian,” he elbowed him. “You know I do, I just…”
“Mmmmmm?”
”Never mind, I just love fucking you sometimes.”
He looked over but Brian was asleep. It was almost eight, and Justin dozed off as well, when they woke up it was morning.
Justin was cooking breakfast when Brian came down. He handed Brian a glass of juice and offered him another pill for the pain.
“I’ll take mine if you take yours.” Brian said taking the juice.
“I don’t take mine 'til tonight.”
“You’re taking them again?”
”Yeah, for now, the anxiety came back and I thought maybe it wasn’t time to stop yet.”
Brian nodded. “I’m okay though, got any aspirin?”
Justin opened the bottle and handed him three. “So I called Cynthia, she’d already cleared your schedule, apparently Ted called before me.”
Brian nodded again, and sat down as Justin brought breakfast to the table. “Nothing fancy, bagels and fruit… And coffee”
He swirled the mug in front of Brian as he reached for it pulled it out of his reach. His eyes darkened, “don’t fuck with my coffee.” Justin smiled, and put the mug down in front of him. Brian drank it silently.
“I’m thinking about a Range Rover.”
“No.”
“What?”
“They get like 8 miles to the gallon, it’s bad for the environment.”
“But they’re hot.”
“They’re overcompensation for something you defiantly don’t need to overcompensate for.”
“So what, should I get a little ugly orange box?”
“Shut up, it’s my car.”
Brian booted up the computer, ready to research his next purchase. Justin followed him with his own cup of coffee. “Brian that’s the same problem, no back seat.”
“I like it.”
“You’re not getting a mini cooper, you’re too tall.”
”The Jag is hot.”
“I like the green.”
“What about this one?”
”Mercedes are pretentious.”
“You think everything’s pretentious.”
Justin shrugged “Suit yourself.”
He went sat back on the sofa and turned on the TV.
“Don’t you have work to do in the studio?”
”I’m taking the day off.”
“Really?”
“Taking care of you today.”
“I’m fine.”
“When can I ban that word?”
”When I’m not fine.”
“How’s your shoulder?”
Brian tried to shrug and winced. Justin smiled. “The word is officially banned.”
Brian smirked, “we’ll see.”
They spent the rest of the day debating car options and television viewing options. Their lighthearted bickering felt good to the both of them. They both felt almost normal.
“You know what we could do today?”
Brian raised his eyebrows
“We could go through…”
“If you say boxes, I’m leaving.”
“I just thought we could start to figure out…”
“There’s nothing to figure out.”
“Can I go through them without you?”
”No.”
“So when are we going to…”
Brian stood up and kissed Justin on the top of his head “drop it.”
Justin did. Today was not the day for pushing things.
“So did you make a decision?”
”Nope, I’m gonna have to test drive them, Wanna come?”
”Now?”
”Why not now?”
”Well, cause um…you only have one arm.”
“Oh that, I can probably take the sling off for an hour or so.”
Justin shook his head “Doctor said only for bathing for two weeks.”
“What do doctors know?”
”Well, you’re the one who was so adamant about doctors orders for me.”
“Shut up twat.”
Justin smiled, his point made.
Two nights later Justin woke up with a start, his heart beating fast, his breathing shallow. “Fuck.”
“You okay?”
“Yeah, just, one of those…”
“Night things.”
”Yeah.”
Brian sat up and pulled Justin back towards him, his good arm wrapped firmly around the blonde, his chin resting on his shoulder. “Remember what it was about?”
“The accident, you were…there was a lot of blood.”
“But I’m fine.”
“You’re not allowed to use that word.”
“But I AM okay, see, feel my heart beating?” he pulled Justin back towards him firmly.
“You scared me.”
“I know.”
“Don’t do it again.”
“I’ll try not to.”
“You’re stupid.”
“I am?”
“You are, you do stupid things that scare me.”
“Is it possible you’re still asleep?”
”Why?”
”Because you’re not making any sense.”
“I do too make sense, and maybe I’m half asleep but it doesn’t make you less stupid, for scaring me.”
“So you’ve said.”
“Sleepy.”
“Then sleep.”
“K”
Brian smiled and lay back down, Justin curled himself around Brian, breathing with him, listening to his heartbeat and feeling his own slow to a normal rate.”
“I love you.”
“Mmmmmm”
Justin smiled and fell back asleep almost immediately.
Brian was back at the office. He’d allowed himself one long weekend, and Monday was itching to get back to work. Justin wondered if he was planning on getting back to play too but didn’t bring it up.
He had 10 Days before he had to leave for New York for his two-week contractual obligation; he’d been dreading this. He hated New York without Brian, he wasn’t even that fond of it with Brian, but mostly, he hated being away for two weeks. Justin threw himself into the few last pieces for the show, he had no idea if he had enough time to finish them but he knew that he needed to continue to work, 'til the very last second, the schmoozing and decisions and bullshit in New York could seem very far away when he was in deep concentration on a particular brush stroke. So he lost himself to it, letting the music and the muse take him.
Brian's shoulder still hurt, but for the most part he got by on aspirin and coffee. He had hired a car and driver for the week, which made him grit his teeth, he hated not being able to drive, not being in control, but with a sling on his left arm, he couldn’t shift gears, he couldn’t drive, and he had finally given in to Justin who had found the least pretentious method of getting around. At first Justin had offered to drive him to work each morning but the thought gave Brian the creeps, felt too domestic, too dependant, too…something, so he had this asshole who just sat in the car all day waiting to be ordered around. Brian shook his head, and wondered why he hadn’t gone of the full stretch limo with a stocked bar. He knew why, Justin. But he gritted his teeth against the thought.
“Stop here.”
The car stopped and Brian got out, “go park somewhere, I’ll call you when I need you.”
The driver nodded and drove off, Brian entered the baths. It was the new place that had filled the void that the Liberty Baths had left when Stockwell had closed them down. Most places had reopened, but the owner of the baths, after receiving a ridiculous amount of money for the building from Kinnetic, Inc. Had retired to Florida and some other entrepreneur had seen his opportunity.
The place was pretty average, a little cleaner than most, but still dark enough to give the customers the atmosphere they were looking for.
The moment Brian walked in he knew it was a mistake. It wasn’t where he wanted to be, but he shook the thought off, where he wanted to be was annoying him right now.
He and Justin had talked, and they’d worked it out, in their own little way, but he still wasn’t sure, wasn’t convinced that in the long run they wouldn’t end up hurting each other. Better to do it in the short run and get it over with. He was still in deep thought when a hand ran down his chest. He looked at the man and was surprised. “What the fuck are you doing here?”
“Thought I deserved a night out.”
Brian laughed, draping his arm around Justin. “This really where you want to be?”
Justin smiled and the two of them left walked deeper into the building Justin in a towel, Brian still in his suit.
The two of them were a sight to behold and when they went after what they wanted, eyes turned, men otherwise occupied stopped what they were doing to watch. It was as if there were no one in the building but the two of them when they looked at each other, no matter whom they might be fucking at the moment.
Justin breathed a deep sigh. He’d never minded date night, and he knew that Brian was feeling claustrophobic, and most importantly, he had been concerned that he’d be mad to see him here, encroaching on his alone time. But Brian seemed happy for them to play together, and they did, they played hard, and both stumbled out into the cold night spent and leaning on the other.
“You drive here?” Justin nodded. Brian called the driver and sent him home for the night, “Eight tomorrow.” And Justin drove them home where they luxuriated in a hot bath, removing the smell of the other men and the baths and later replaced the smell with each other.
Brian lay in bed, considering a lot of things, wanting to know that he was making the right decision, that he wasn’t hurting Justin that he wasn’t causing the kid to give up his life.
He looked over at him, sleeping. In sleep he still looked like a kid, but he wasn’t, he wasn’t a child, he wasn’t a twink, he wasn’t the little stalker with his heart on his sleeve that he’d propositioned under a streetlamp on the night Gus was born. He was a man now, a pretty fucking amazing one too. Stronger than anyone he’d even known, and fuck, he loved this man.
Godmotherfuckingdammit he thought to himself as he lit a cigarette, there has to be a way out of this.
This was never supposed to happen.
Brian tried to sort it out, how any of it had happened, how he managed to go from a 29 year old without a care in the world to a psuedo-hetero husband. Actually that was easy to figure out, as he looked at the sleeping form next to him, the question was what happened that made him okay with this? More than okay with this? He took another deep inhale and realized the answer was the same, it was the same blonde who was currently muttering in his sleep. He put the cigarette out and tried to find a spot that didn’t hurt his shoulder too badly and realized that he was stuck, and not unhappy about being stuck, and then he took a pain pill, more to knock himself out then shut out the pain.
Everyone was there Friday. Deb was in her glory. A table full of people to feed, one of them needing her special brand of care. Not that Brian accepted any special treatment, or any treatment at all, from anyone, he mostly glared at the sympathetic worried glances that were shot his way until the conversational flow twisted its way back to issues other than his recent accident.
Justin smiled to himself knowing that Brian hated every minute of the concern his friends showed, and yet would have been somewhat aggravated had they not shown it.
“Are you really thinking about breeding blue?” Justin asked, tuning back in to the conversation.
“She’s almost ready, and we found a stud.”
Brian opened his mouth to say something and Justin elbowed him.
“Well, I think it’s great Ted.” Lindsay broke in, “as a matter of fact, I think Gus is ready for a puppy, maybe we’ll raise one of blues babies.” Ted and Blake grinned even wider.
“You want Gus to have a dog?” Brian asked, “When did this happen?”
“Mel and I have been discussing it, and…”
The table went silent, Brian's eyes were dark. “You and Mel were discussing our son?”
”Brian, she’s still his mother.”
Brian snorted, “Some mother.”
“Brian, she’s changed, and we’re not getting back together but we are talking, the few times she’s been to see the kids, she’s been really great with them, Gus loves to play tennis with her.”
Justin put his head in his hands, “Lindz.” He muttered.
“She’s been to play tennis, at the house?” Brian was quiet as he asked.
Then he turned his head and saw Justin hiding his face, “And you knew this?”
”Brian, she’s been better, like old Mel, you know, sane and nice and Gus loves her.”
Brian nodded, suddenly not hungry. “I’ll meet you at home.” He said as he kissed Justin goodbye.
Justin nodded and all eyes went to him as Brian stormed off. “How’s he getting home?”
Justin smiled, “He can’t, he sent the driver home, and…”
“Justin, lets go.” Brian came back in, after realizing his predicament.
Justin shrugged, and walked to the door, pulling Brian into a kiss. “Why don’t we stay for dessert, and you can just blame this little queening out thing on the pain meds.”
Brian scowled.
Justin kissed him again and knew that all eyes at the table were now trained on them. “C’mon, do what everyone least expects.” He murmured quietly into Brian's ear, nibbling on the lobe a little.
Brian followed Justin back to the table. “I don’t want her at the house, and I don’t want my kid having a fake dog, if you’re gonna get him a dog, get him a real one.”
Lindsay smiled, “Brian she has a right to see her son, and she really has changed.”
“We’ll talk about this later.”
Lindsay nodded.
“And Blue is a champion dog.” Ted cut in, pulling out his wallet to show more pictures.
“Ted, blue is five pounds, he’s a toy, a little yipping toy.”
Ted looked hurt, and Blake leaned in and kissed him on the cheek, “She’s a perfect dog.”
Ted smiled again, “She really is.”
“We should get a puppy Brian.” Justin said, just to see his reaction, it was priceless.
“I have you I don’t need anything else making a mess around the house, and chewing on my underwear.”
“I thought you liked it when I did that.”
Brian leaned in and kissed Justin deeply. “We’re not getting a dog.”
Justin smiled, he hadn’t really thought it was an option, and he’d gotten the response he was looking for. Everyone seemed calmer, including Brian.
“So Lindsay how’s the new job?” Ben asked
“Oh, it’s actually wonderful, but challenging, who knew running a department required so much paperwork?”
Brian smiled and Justin knew that Brian had done something to put in a word for Lindsay with the dean. Lindsay probably knew it too, but had decided to let the issue drop, as she genuinely loved her new job, and the fact that the college had a great day care service so that she still got to see JR often, and didn’t have to hire a nanny.
“I am going to have to buy a car this week though.” Lindsay said. I can’t keep taking Justin’s or having Mel drive me before she gets to work. And the busses just don’t run far enough.”
“Great, we’ll go together.”
Lindsay looked at him. “Like last time, or can you restrain yourself from driving through the showroom window?”
”I’ll be good.” Brian said, his eyes showing he would be nothing of the sort.
“When do you get that thing off?”
”Monday, want to go then?”
”Don’t you want to take Justin?”
”Justin’s leaving me.”
There was a gasp at the table and Justin laughed. “I’m not leaving you, I’m going to New York for two weeks, it’s a contractual obligation.”
“You’re leaving me.” Brian said again, teasingly, “I kept telling you to leave and now you are.”
“About fucking time.” Michael and Hunter both mumbled under their breaths only to be slapped upside the head, Hunter by Molly, Michael by his mother.
“Hey!” they both said in unison, and the tension was once again broken.
Dinner continued until no one could eat another thing, and then dessert and coffee made them all too full to move. They were sitting around talking about nothing important when Brian went outside for a cigarette. Justin joined him and they all passed knowing glances to each other, assuming the two were finding a likely dark corner.
They both stood outside, Brian's arm slung around Justin comfortably sharing the cigarette.
“We should both quit smoking.”
Brian huffed, “Can’t we’re too hot.”
Justin laughed. “You okay?”
”Yeah, I’m stellar.”
“But Mel and Lindsay…”
“They have to get along, I don’t want Gus to always see his parents fighting.”
Justin nodded. “That’s good.”
“But I don’t want him to have a little faggot dog.”
“Brian, I thought you were afraid Mel was gonna make a man out of him, make up your mind.”
“A kid should have a real dog.”
“Blue is a real dog.”
“A real normal sized dog.”
“Brian they live in like 1000 square feet house, with two kids, how big a dog do you think that place can handle.”
“Maybe we should build an addition onto the carriage house.”
Justin nodded, knowing that Brian would do almost anything to keep Lindsay from moving too far away from his protective eye, he still saw Mel as a threat.
“So have you decided on a car?”
“I think I have.”
“Oooh, what?”
”It’ll be a surprise.”
Justin pouted, “I hate surprises.”
“I thought you loved them.”
“I do, when I’m not gonna be away for two weeks worrying.”
“Worrying?”
”About the show, about you, about…”
“I’ll be fine, and the show is going to be a huge success.”
”Brian, promise me…”
“No more incidents.”
“Promise?”
Brian leaned in, kissing Justin hard and damning the stupid sling that kept him from holding him closer. “Lets get out of here.”
Justin moaned into his mouth, “We have to go in and say goodbye first.”
Brian walked back up. “You stay here.” He said to Justin, and then leaned his head into the house.
“Justin needs to be fucked, so we’re going home. Bye.”
Justin's face was beet red as he got in the car and Brian’s eyes were twinkling with mischief. Everyone at the table was laughing.
Send feedback to vamphile @ gmail.com