Church | Hymns | Psalms | Testify
This site is not intended for those under 18 years of age.
The End Done Right
by Vamphile
Chapter Five
Brian was driving back to the house, back home and trying not to think. Thinking was bad, thinking lead to ideas, ideas led to sharing the ideas, that led to conversation, conversation led to discussion, discussion led to conclusion and a conclusion could end up being not what you want.
Brian had never liked things that weren’t what he wanted so he was concentrating fiercely on not thinking.
Justin was thinking, he liked thinking. Thinking led to ideas, which lead to new concepts, which led to trying new things, ideas were fun.
They both reached the house within moments of each other, and Brian said nothing when Justin pulled his car into the garage, and Justin said nothing when Brian pulled his car in next to it.
“It’s still ugly”
“I still love it”
Brian leaned in to kiss him against the ugly orange box with rubber trim and…Justin's phone rang.
“Hi Deb”
“Sunshine, your mom told me you were in town”
“And I am”
:”Well it’s Friday night, family dinner, and you will be there, I don’t want to hear another word about it”
“ummm, I’m not sure Deb,” he said, as Brian manipulated the young mans body in ways that made debs rigatoni the very last thing on his mind, “I might have some…” he gasped and tried to wriggle out of Brian's grasp but only succeeded in entangling the two bodies closer together “erm, some stuff to do.” He finished lamely.
“Bullshit, you have all the time in the world to do stuff, tonight you’re coming to dinner”
“I’ll try Deb, I really will”
“You’ll do more than try sunshine, I haven’t seen you in ages, you’re probably skinny as a rail”
“Deb, I said…”
“Great, I’ll see you at seven”
He closed his phone and half moaned at the feel of Brian kissing the skin he’d exposed on his belly by pushing his shirt up, and half groaned at the concept of Deb’s patented Friday night family dinners. He was about to mention it to Brian when Brian's phone rang.
Brian smiled and answered
“Hi Deb”
‘Hey asshole, dinner tonight, no excuses, you haven’t been in weeks, and you’re coming”
“I may have… stuff to do” he said, raising his eyebrows suggestively at the broadly smiling blonde who was now unbuttoning Brian's shirt and kissing each new piece of exposed flesh.
“You’ll be there or I’m never serving you coffee at the diner again”
“Yes, and I’m sure I’d die without those cups of black poison you’ve been serving me for years” he tried not to moan, as he ineffectually tried to remove Justin from his left nipple
“You would and you know it, so seven o’clock, and don’t be late your majesty”
“I’ll try Deb” but she’d already hung up.
Justin continued his ministrations but Brian’s head wasn’t in the game. Justin noticed his lack of response and leaned back against his car, “so what’s up?”
“Family dinner, as I’m sure you’ve heard.”
“Yeah, I’ve kind of missed those”
Deb always made pasta on Fridays and there was a standing invitation to all who were a part of their extended family.
Emmet still living with Debbie was there whenever there wasn’t a party to give. Ted and Blake were pretty reliable, Michael Ben and Hunter were a given and back in the day Mel, Lindz, Gus and JR were pretty regular guests themselves.
Since Vic was gone, even with Carl around, these dinners were more important to Debbie, so most of them made an effort to come at least a couple of times a month.
When Mel and Lindz were still around Brian made more of an effort, he loved seeing Gus, and it was one of the few chances he got to see him without feeling like an intruder in the muncher’s happy home life.
And Justin had enjoyed them in his day, but now that they were … what were they? Back together…trying it again, something, and Brian wasn’t sure he was ready to go public.
“We could get out of it” he exhaled a stream of cigarette smoke as he looked at Justin trying to decided if the kid wanted to go or not.
“We could” Justin agreed, “or… we could go, and just get it over with in one fell swoop, hell, once Deb and Michael know, it will be no time at all until everyone knows and then it’s there, out in the open”
“Is that where we want it? Fuck out in the open, behind closed doors, or well, in a back room or an alley has always seemed to work for us”
Justin took a step forward, taking a drag from Brian's cigarette and scrutinizing his lovers face “what are you so afraid of, we almost got married”
“Yeah,” Brian said ruefully, “almost”
“But we both decided it wasn’t what we wanted”
“Sure as hell not what I wanted”
The words hurt Justin, but he said nothing
“So why is it so wrong to come out and admit that we’re together again”
“Because that never works for us”
“Brian being apart is what has never worked for us, being together…we do that well” with that Justin leaned in to kiss Brian, who turned his head away
“Being together works for me” he said it quietly, Justin almost didn’t hear him
“It works for me, but every time you leave me, every time I….”
Justin waited while Brian seemed to be gathering his thoughts or his courage “every time I push you away, you end up stronger, more successful, better” “I want you with me, but you’re going to leave again, and I’m okay with that, I’ll take what I can get from you…yeah, this time it’s me accepting the compromise, but I won’t do it publicly, I won’t walk into the diner to those pitying looks and, Christ, I won’t be treated like a grieving widow again”
Justin had never questioned that he had hurt Brian when he left, but the depths to which Brian felt it, that was new territory for him. And Justin wasn’t planning on leaving again. He started there.
“I’m not going anywhere”
“You’ve said that before”
”this time I mean it,” the words sounded empty even to Justin. “Brian, I was a kid, a stupid kid, who kept running, looking for something, something that YOU kept convincing me was out there, success, opportunity, “
“Love” Brian interrupted
“Yeah, love, but I was dumb, I was pathetic, I was insane, I was blind, I know what love is now, it took me a while, and it took a lot of mistakes but I know what love is now, and it isn’t pretty words, and it isn’t sacrificing, and it isn’t …” Justin took a breath
“Fucking A Brian, it isn’t anything but YOU, you and ME, US, together, that’s what love is to me, what it’s always been, since that first moment you approached a stupid pretty, and naïve boy under the streetlamp ‘til now, everything we’ve done has been about love, about the fact that you love me, that I love you and that’s the only reason to be together, and the real reason it’s scary. If I didn’t love you, I wouldn’t care, and if you didn’t love me, I couldn’t hurt you, and you wouldn’t be scared, but I do and you are and that’s just something we’re gonna have to get used to because it’s a constant part of our relationship.
You care, and are scared and you hate both of those feelings, and you know what, I don’t care, anymore that you hate loving me, because you may hate it, but you still do it, and that’s all I care about, so go ahead, keep us in the relationship closet, and we won’t tell anyone, and pretend that I’m gonna leave someday if it makes you feel safer, but I’ll tell you something, and I can’t make you believe it, I can only prove it to you every day that you wake up with me drooling on your shoulder, I’m not fucking going anywhere.”
This last part was said in a pure full drama queen hissy pitch. And Justin stormed out of the garage and into the house, or at least thought he had, but he had chosen the wrong door and found himself in a utility closet full of cans of paint and a ladder, and a perfectly appointed pegboard full of tools. He just stood there, fuming, and trying not to cry.
Brian was dumbstruck by what Justin had just said, all of it, but as he was trying to process it he watched the kid stomp off into the closet and realized what had happened. He was trying not to laugh, trying really really hard not to laugh, he put his thumb on his cheek and his fingers over his eyes, covering his face in that patented way that meant he was afraid to look, but the door didn’t re open.
He finally gave up and opened the door, took a step forward and wrapped his arms around Justin's waist, pulling his back towards Brian's still partially exposed chest.
“Well, you really won’t be leaving if you can’t even find your way out of the garage”
Justin could hear the smirk in his voice
“Fuck you, you’re the one who bought a house that ‘s too big with too many doors, I never got lost in the loft”
“Yeah well, that’s what was great about the loft, I could always keep an eye on you”
“Yeah well, now you’re gonna have to just trust that when I’m in another room I’m not packing”
“Trust isn’t my strong suit”
“And you have no reason to trust me”
“I have one”
“Is one enough”
“It’s gonna have to be, isn’t it?”
Justin shrugged, “up to you”
“I’m gonna let it be enough, but I need to tell you something, and it’s kinda important”
Justin turned around in his arms, and looked into his eyes which were dark, and serious
“This is the absolute last time, if you get some itch, any itch, that you think I can’t scratch, and you don’t talk to me about it, if you just walk out…I will understand, but I will never ever ever accept your trust, your love or your apology again”
Justin looked at him, “so I can get itches scratched so long as I tell you about them?”
“That’s the deal that’s always worked best for us, but no one comes back to our home, understood?”
“And you?”
“I’m not all that itchy these days, but I’m a guy, and I’m not gonna make you a promise that will make me lose you, so lets just say that we’re honest, and careful, and at the end of it all…” Brian took a deep breath; there were still things that were very hard to say “I love YOU”
Justin smiled and kissed him
“We have to get all that shit into the kitchen now you know, we cant just leave it in the back of the car”.
Brian groaned
“And we’re going to dinner at debs” Justin added, if you’re going to trust me, you’re gonna have to trust me in public”
“I thought you said we could stay in the relationship closet”
Justin looked around them at the tool shed/utility closet the were standing in an wrinkled his nose “you really want to stay here?”
Brian laughed “fine, dinner at Debs”
“Now can we get this stuff unloaded, because I am dealing with an urgent need to fuck you till you see stars.”
Justin reached inside Brian's jeans and massaged his already erect cock…”the stuff in the car can wait”
Send feedback to vamphile @ gmail.com