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I want you safe

by Vamphile

He’s talking and I admit I’m only half listening, if that much. I’m far more intent on kissing him than listening to his brilliant deconstruction of whatever he’s babbling about. His lips, his neck, Christ, why does this kid taste intoxicating? I hear him mention the word lucky and I tune back in,

“because we live in this land of plenty” I ask, really not sure what he was talking about previously.

I’m usually good at this. FUCK, I’m usually GREAT at this, the part where we’re naked on the bed, but with him, I think about it more, it’s less automatic, less practiced. There are lots of reasons for that. He never ceases to surprise me. Little things he does, little spots he finds to nuzzle and suck, and you have to give my sonny boy points for sheer enthusiasm. I kiss him again. I’ve been waiting to fuck him all night and now that we’re entwined on the bed he’s in the mood for a chat?

”roll over” I say…that usually works,

“no” okay he’s not ready, hey, I can kiss him all night, as long as at some point we’re actually gonna get to the sex. I try again, kissing him, nuzzling that spot on his neck that makes his eyes roll back in his head and his breathing go shallow, and even that isn’t really getting him where I need him to be at the moment. So I tune in to what he’s saying.

“Michael and Ben, no matter how long they’re together they can never do it raw”

I remind him it’s Mikey’s choice, and then remind him that we’ve never done it raw either, and hell, we’ve been together for over a year...although that’s not a sentence I’ll ever repeat out loud.

He is suddenly the one taking control, he pulls me on top of him, his thighs grazing my waist. I feel his intensity, and his really hard cock as he wriggles just a little beneath me, and it’s suddenly very clear to me what he’s been babbling about all this time.

“you want me to ride you bareback” I ask, and I see his eyes, half lidded with passion, I feel his body move under mine positioning himself so that I can fuck him. He’s ready, his dick presses against t me, hard and throbbing and I can’t say I’m not turned on, but what the fuck. I’m angry now…or scared, I’m not sure which.

This boy, and I forget that sometimes, that he really is just a boy, in love. This boy is asking me to fuck him raw, what would it take, I wonder, to get him to really agree, and then I think, am I the only one he’d do this with, how many, or more to the point, how few pretty words, in the heat of the moment would it take for him to agree to let someone else hurt him. Is he really that naive? I look at his face, see the desire there, the almost painfully blatant wanting, and feel the heat of his skin and realize that he’d let me, right here and now.

I’m so mad I can’t see straight, but anger scared him, and the amount of anger, and fear that suddenly jolts through my body, as I picture some one else in my place, some other man laying between his legs, his body giving them every signal that he NEEDS them inside him. And this kid, the one who, scared shitless his very first time, still insisted on a condom, this is the kid who is now begging me to come in his tight little hole.

I switch gears. It’s easier than I’d like to admit to play predator with him, but that’s what I’m doing now, my motions aren’t passion based, they’re mechanical, they are designed to bring him to the point of total abandon. It’s one of the things I’m known for in the circles where my name is repeated with awe, and it’s something I usually love to do to Justin, watching him need me like that, manipulating his body with a few strokes until he’s ready to do whatever I want, I love the dance, but this isn’t about him and me, this is about him and his life.

My voice is deeper, I’m scared of the answer as I move my body over his and ask “you want me to come in your tight little hole?”

“oh yeah, fuck me” he answers… he’s literally begging me….

Last time I felt a wave of panic this intense; I was holding my son for the very first time

My anger explodes, visions of others getting him to beg the same way flash before my eyes, and then I see him, his beautiful young face ravaged by illness, his body wasting away, the light in his eyes gone, the sunshine in his smile a ghostly remainder of what he was….I put my had around his neck, applying pressure to make sure that he’s paying attention

“Fuck Yourself!”

I see the pain in his eyes, and the confusion, and I’m too fucking angry to care. I can’t believe that after all we’ve done together, all the lessons I’ve taught him…all the shit I’ve learned just watching him grow from a scared little boy to a fearless and beautiful man, that I am back to having to give the safe sex lecture.

I pull my body away from his. I want his attention, I need him to understand this. “Never let ANYONE fuck you without a condom” Do I really have to tell him this? He knows this, I know he knows this, and yet, I’ve turned him on so many times, we’ve fucked so many times, in such easy intimacy and passion that he’s started to…

To what? To feel safe, to feel complacent, to take it for granted?

He’s still not getting it

“you’re not just anyone” he says still looking confused, but also a little self satisfied, as if he’s just made a brilliant argument.

I drive the point home as brutally as I can “I’m sure that’s what Ben thought about the guy who infected him” INFECTED, I’m not pulling punches, I’m not using euphemisms, I’m reminding him, it’s a disease, and it could kill him.

Would I pull Mikey away from Ben, and ensure that he never fucked a guy who was positive ever…yes, but I can’t control Mikey, he’s got to make decisions for himself, and so does Justin, but god damn it, this pretty boy had better make the right fucking decisions. I flash for a moment on how I’d feel if I did infect him. I was tested three months ago, I’m negative, as far as I know…and so is he, but what if? That what if is always there in our world, and he can’t ever forget it.

I grab a condom, and I hand it to him “Put it on me”

as angry as I was, as scared as I am about what he might do, I need to remind him, it doesn’t have to be an intrusion, it can be part of the fun, but what it has to be is there, automatic, non negotiable.

I can see him start to pout, but he does as I ask.

Ten minutes ago I wanted him on his knees, his head digging into the pillow as I plowed into him, passionate, animalistic, Hot.

Now I don’t, I roll him on his side and enter him slowly. I still want to be inside him, but I want every inch of our bodies touching, I want him to feel close to me, I want him to realize that we can be this close, every part of us touching except for that micro thin latex sheath, that it doesn’t reduce what we have, what we do, who we are to each other.

I kiss his neck, and nibble the spot on his ear that makes him whimper under his breath in a way that gets to me even more than when he screams “fuck me now”

I lean in to his ear and whisper “I want you safe. And I want you around for a long time’

I can only hope that he’s really heard me.

The End

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